GF killed herself nine years ago, still not over it

>24
>male
>heterosexual
>raised well but attended catechism classes at a very young age
>developed a very altruistic personality
>depressed and suicidal for a long time due to social anxiety
>spend a lot of time talking online helping people with their issues
>found my GF that way, socially anxious as well as depressed
>go through things with each other
>despite everything, she ends up killing herself
>feel like I didn't do good enough for years, avoiding any similar relationship out of guilt
>got better around five years ago
>social anxiety is practically nonexistent now
>still can't date; I'm not interested in dating and finding anyone

I feel like I'm destroyed. I've seen therapists for a long time and it's always about letting go of her and the guilt. I feel like I moved on from this, yet something blocks me from dating.

I'm just fine living alone and I don't feel ready to share my space with someone either. Sharing a bed is nice and comfortable but it doesn't feel "worth the trouble".

Is anyone else in a similar situation? Any /adv/ice?

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  1. 4 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Breath meditation.

    • 4 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      I'm not sure how that would help. I reflected on this for nearly a decade and people usually move to other things by then. This looks like a great way to relax, which is still useful, though.

      You don't have to date if you don't really want to. Nothing like that ever happened to me but I understand the feeling of not wanting to share your life and space with somebody else at certain points. You don't have to "let go" of her but move on enough to be open to the possibility of dating somebody you might like if you happen to meet her, even if you aren't actively pursuing dating in general.

      >but move on enough to be open to the possibility of dating somebody you might like if you happen to meet her
      There's just an underlying desire to stay away from sparking any dating even with people I might like. I'm fairly certain I'm afraid of a scenario where I "drag the other down" or we "mutually drag each other down". Scared of this idea that even if I'm alright now, I could hurt that person by engaging in a relationship with her, hence avoiding it for their sake.

      I've been chatting with a suicidal person for a few months where I've unpacked all of my stuff and they said it might boil down to being "too altruistic" and I found out that pathological altruism exists, but I've never been diagnosed with that.

      I've met colleagues that live alone because they're fine that way - or so they said that is - but I feel like my situation is different.
      I should probably have mentioned that in the OP, now that I think about it.

  2. 4 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    You don't have to date if you don't really want to. Nothing like that ever happened to me but I understand the feeling of not wanting to share your life and space with somebody else at certain points. You don't have to "let go" of her but move on enough to be open to the possibility of dating somebody you might like if you happen to meet her, even if you aren't actively pursuing dating in general.

  3. 4 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    u met her over the internet so unless u SAW her kill herself the odds of her actually being dead are low plus you were 15 she was probably some edgelord online grow up ong AND its not ur fault she was going through shit so dont beat urself up

    • 4 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      Meeting her online doesn't mean it was an online relationship only.
      I didn't witness it but I was summoned at the police station following the event.

  4. 4 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    You feel like this because you "didn't save her" but dude: are you God? No. You are so super empathetic that you legit believe that you must help and save everybody(just like God). You must make peace that you can't help and save people that don't want be saved or helped neither.

    • 4 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      I mean, "God only helps those who help themselves" after all. But I believed that a relationship like this would help. The fact that it seems to have worked in the opposite direction is what bothers me more than anything.
      I don't know how to explain that properly but if you spend quality time with someone for quite a while but they end up killing themselves, is it really just because they didn't want help or is it because the provided help wasn't good?
      Sure, you can't save everyone and I don't expect to be able to prevent people from killing themselves (at least not anymore) but saving a loved one feels like a very different story.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ojq1AAMvZvg

      http://happinessbeyondthought.blogspot.com/2012/05/surrendering-i-letting-go-of-suffering.html

      I don't like videos much but I'll consider watching them, thanks.

      You weren't in love if she died 9 years ago and yet you haven't killed yourself.

      I agree. The last attempt was extremely well prepared but I got owned by unforeseen delays. I have a car now so I already know how to finish this for good if I ever want to.
      But I'm not suicidal anymore. For now.

  5. 4 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    http://happinessbeyondthought.blogspot.com/2012/05/surrendering-i-letting-go-of-suffering.html

  6. 4 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    You weren't in love if she died 9 years ago and yet you haven't killed yourself.

  7. 4 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    a lot of time talking online helping people with their issues
    how did you find them?

    • 4 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      Forums for the most part and Steam later on. When I joined Discord (around 2017) I was already burnt out of dealing with people's problems so it never truly happened there.
      I still use forums but the population has changed and I don't receive private messages of distressed people like before. I don't chat on Steam anymore.

      • 4 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        Well, I would like to help someone but totally don't know how to reach anyone.

        • 4 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          I didn't specifically target people to help. We talked about many things on public forums and eventually some members would talk about problems that we then discussed through private messages.
          On the Steam chat it was somewhat simpler, I met people while playing games (notably TF2) and when we got to chat it often got into personal territory.

          You seem to actively seek someone to help, which isn't something I do - nor really understand. People mentioned a problem while talking and I would try to assist them with that, pretty much.
          Considering my experience, going out of your way to help people will hurt you if you don't set up boundaries. If you decide to go on forums or Discord servers full of depressed people to try to help, you can but you will very likely take hits.
          Being a de facto free therapist can also be dangerous since you can (and probably will at some point) give bad advice unintentionally, in my opinion.

          Today, I think Discord is a good starting point since there are many servers with depressed people, as far as I know. The problem I have with Discord is that it's also full of children, and that becomes a completely different thing.
          Back then I was technically a kid/teenager and I had a very strict netiquette so I could talk with other kids as well as older people but now I wouldn't do that.
          I'm not against helping younger people with problems but I'm NOT a professional and I won't get into a dangerous rabbit hole like this one.

          So, yeah, if you can find Discord communities with mature people having problems, you could try starting there. But I wouldn't look for people like this. I'd rather become friends with people I have common interests with and help them as a favor.

          The girl who broke my heart had an ex in high school who killed himself and it basically ruined her. Turned into a major bawd/hedonist thousand wiener stare vocal fry toxic person. Spoke like a man used Black person vernacular the whole nine yards. So be glad you didn’t ruin yourself by having all kinds of sex with random people anon.

          Well I avoid drugs and alcohol because I want to remain as healthy as possible while alive. All of my previous suicide attempts revolved around violent, instantaneous deaths (tall building, trains). I helped myself on that one.

  8. 4 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    The girl who broke my heart had an ex in high school who killed himself and it basically ruined her. Turned into a major bawd/hedonist thousand wiener stare vocal fry toxic person. Spoke like a man used Black person vernacular the whole nine yards. So be glad you didn’t ruin yourself by having all kinds of sex with random people anon.

    • 4 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      (Comment too long, continuing.)
      I've never really grasped the principle of people ruining their health with drugs and stuff. I understand that it's out of carelessness but I've always thought that you basically add new problems on top of your older ones. I've always thought that sure, it sucks, and you have the right to be depressed etc., but harming your physical self in the process is counter-productive.
      The problem is that unless you can physically prevent the person from accessing his addiction, you cannot really do anything besides say that "It's bad, m'kay". The key is prevention but many people don't give a frick past a certain point, and kids/teens like to break the rules so tackling these issues is beyond me. All I can do is make them understand that some others may care.
      But hey, sometimes it's not enough I guess.

  9. 4 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    You tried making just friends with other girls with no relationship intent?

    • 4 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      I stopped talking to most of my friends when I finished university not-so-long ago. But I befriended girls during my time there. Pretty much all of them were in relationships and I wasn't interested in "breaking" them.
      The problem I had was that there were many other guys around them that, in my opinion, simped around them. I've always found this very cringe.

  10. 4 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    ouchie sweetie online relationship grief is a real thing and of course you're feeling it at only 24 but you will get through this and you will grieve and learn it wasn't your fault even though your tender brain is still growing and processing this and catching up with your life so you can relate on a normal level. take it easy and don't be so hard on yourself sweetie anon, you're worth helping out for your own issues yourself and there's no hurry to be in a relationship right now! someday it'll happen if you're open to talking to and connecting with people and realise this isn't so weird, or so bad. it really is so, so awful that she ended up killing herself and that would devastate me and change me for my whole life if that'd happened but what really went on might not be something you really will understand your part in fully. I admire you for trying to help her and can relate to that, and to being tormented by the suffering of others out there on the internet who you want to help, and then being somehow shifted with the blame after doing your utmost best and being told by a christian upbringing that it's your job to save the world and be selfless.

    You made your sacrifice and who knows how long she stayed alive and how good you actually were, but how vulnerable you actually were too without realising it! She wasn't the only one with some mental vulnerability. Know that even mental health professionals go through this, who are paid and trained and not just teenagers.

    What's the best you can do?

    • 4 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      At first I think you mere mocking me but I guess not.
      Meeting someone online doesn't mean the relationship was exclusively online.
      I'm not hurried to be in a relationship at all but I'm fairly positive there's some family pressure on that end. I don't really care though.
      I've seen therapists to get help and it helped me understand that even if I feel I don't deserve to be helped, I still should seek it when needed. It was hard to accept though.

      I'm really in this weird situation where I feel like most of it is behind me but there's still... something. I haven't talked about this to many people, I only started doing it recently due to some other people asking but they usually say that it's indeed not my fault and that I should let go. I understand that. I feel like it's behind since I don't really "mourn" her or anything anymore. She's not even bugging my brain constantly anymore. But there's something I can't describe that just inhibits any desire to create a relationship beyond regular, safe friendships.
      >What's the best you can do?
      I just do what I can with what I have, I guess.

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