How to convince my GF to let us get a monkey?

I've always wanted a monkey. My girlfriend/kinda fiancé says we're not having one. She says we already have two cats and that that's enough. The two cats we have are awesome, but I think they'd be really well complemented by a based monkey. It would also help keep them company when I'm too busy to play with them.

My GF is originally from India where they have lots of monkeys just roaming around on the street. She's going back there to visit her family soon, so I was initially hoping to get her to capture a street monkey and bring it back to Australia with her. Unfortunately, she has refused this request multiple times, and I've just about given up on acquiring a monkey that way. But I still think there is hope of us buying one further down the track. I just need to convince her of how awesome it would be.

The best thing I've come up with so far is to chant "Monkey! Monkey! Monkey!" over and over again. I thought this might work because she often does a similar chant every month where she goes "Babies! Babies! Babies!" when she's about to be on her period and her hormones are tricking her into thinking that getting pregnant is a good idea (luckily for both of us, I'm smart enough not to fall for this).

How can I convince her to let us have a monkey?

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  1. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    they’re horrid nasty creatures and become completely insane destructive and unmanageable at one year old
    by all means, get a monkey you stupid frick

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      Nah my monkey will be cool. Yours is probably just acting up because you keep it in a cage. Mine will be allowed to roam freely.
      > become completely insane destructive and unmanageable at one year old
      So like humans, then?

      • 3 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        Would not recommend, you only need the monkey to be moronic once to die or frick your shit up.

        Vid related.

  2. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Perfect thread. No notes.

  3. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    homie

  4. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Leave some bananas around as hints.

  5. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    if my gf rejected my monkey i would reject my gf and get 2 monkeys

  6. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    There’s so many examples of monkeys going ballistic and ripping the face of their owners, you’d definitely have to get a smaller one but even then it could probably seriously injure you one day if it really wanted to.

    Most of the monkeys suited to be pets are incredibly high maintenance and will require diapers and special living conditions. One of the best choices if you decide to go through with it is a capuchin monkey, they’re small and magicians keep them as assistants but:
    > Capuchin monkeys are often surrendered as pets because they have needs most humans don't have the skills or time to fill, making it more than likely that owning one is—in most instances—unethical. However, there are always exceptions, and if you are an owner who is enthusiastic about giving your pet capuchin monkey everything it needs to thrive, it may very well be happy in your home

    UNDER ABSOLUTELY NO CIRCUMSTANCE GET A CHIMP, I REPEAT DO NOT GET A FRICKING CHIMP ANNON THE MAN IN PIC REL GOT ATTACKED BY A CHIMP. HE GOT OF LUCKY. CHIMPS ARE EASILY PROVOKED AND MIGHT ATTACK YOU FOR VERY LITTLE REASON EVEN IF THEY LIKE YOU.

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      >> Capuchin monkeys are often surrendered as pets because they have needs most humans don't have the skills or time to fill
      So you're saying it would be easier to adopt one than other species because I'm more likely to find one in a shelter? Good to know.

      OP, if you’re serious about this, your GF should break up with you and take the cats with her.

      I’ve worked with monkeys and while they’re amazing creatures, I would run so fast from a guy who seriously wanted to acquire one.

      You’re also an idiot if you think you can just capture a street monkey and casually import it to Australia. You can’t even import a live SHEEP to Australia except under extremely stringent requirements.

      >OP, if you’re serious about this, your GF should break up with you and take the cats with her.
      Nuh-uh they were my cats first.
      >You’re also an idiot if you think you can just capture a street monkey and casually import it to Australia. You can’t even import a live SHEEP to Australia except under extremely stringent requirements.
      That's a badge I wear with pride. Besides, why can't we just lie and say it's not a street monkey? Get someone in India to fill out false paperwork for us? Pajeetland is corrupt af.

      I understand the craving for a pet monkey, OP. I really do. I love monkeys so fricking much. I was born on the frickin year of the monkey. Monkeys are fricking based and they are better at living with nature than us humans ever will be.

      But I would never in a million years get a pet monkey. Not only will they possibly tear my face off (I’d tear off a face too if I was also dragged into dystopia domesticated society). But also because you’d be bringing them into, again, dystopian domesticated society. And monkeys hate that shit.

      Let them chill in their natural habitat bro

      Would I be better off getting a baby monkey instead of trying to teach an adult one to adapt?

      • 3 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        >Get someone in India to fill out false paperwork for us?
        Because Australia doesn't care, they won't allow you to bring it in as a private owner.

        • 3 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          And you know who mostly staffs the airports now? Pajeets. Just apply the same tricks at this end and we'll be good to go.

          • 3 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            Okay then. Go ahead and give it a try.

            I look forward to reading the headlines.

            > AUSTRALIAN MAN TRIES TO SNEAK MONKEY INTO COUNTRY, ATTEMPTS TO BRIBE TSA:
            > "They're all pajeets, I figured they'd help me out if I just paid enough"

          • 3 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            >TSA
            Found the seppo

          • 3 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            Ape fricker on suicide watch, how will he ever recover??

  7. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    OP, if you’re serious about this, your GF should break up with you and take the cats with her.

    I’ve worked with monkeys and while they’re amazing creatures, I would run so fast from a guy who seriously wanted to acquire one.

    You’re also an idiot if you think you can just capture a street monkey and casually import it to Australia. You can’t even import a live SHEEP to Australia except under extremely stringent requirements.

  8. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    I understand the craving for a pet monkey, OP. I really do. I love monkeys so fricking much. I was born on the frickin year of the monkey. Monkeys are fricking based and they are better at living with nature than us humans ever will be.

    But I would never in a million years get a pet monkey. Not only will they possibly tear my face off (I’d tear off a face too if I was also dragged into dystopia domesticated society). But also because you’d be bringing them into, again, dystopian domesticated society. And monkeys hate that shit.

    Let them chill in their natural habitat bro

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      There’s so many examples of monkeys going ballistic and ripping the face of their owners, you’d definitely have to get a smaller one but even then it could probably seriously injure you one day if it really wanted to.

      Most of the monkeys suited to be pets are incredibly high maintenance and will require diapers and special living conditions. One of the best choices if you decide to go through with it is a capuchin monkey, they’re small and magicians keep them as assistants but:
      > Capuchin monkeys are often surrendered as pets because they have needs most humans don't have the skills or time to fill, making it more than likely that owning one is—in most instances—unethical. However, there are always exceptions, and if you are an owner who is enthusiastic about giving your pet capuchin monkey everything it needs to thrive, it may very well be happy in your home

      UNDER ABSOLUTELY NO CIRCUMSTANCE GET A CHIMP, I REPEAT DO NOT GET A FRICKING CHIMP ANNON THE MAN IN PIC REL GOT ATTACKED BY A CHIMP. HE GOT OF LUCKY. CHIMPS ARE EASILY PROVOKED AND MIGHT ATTACK YOU FOR VERY LITTLE REASON EVEN IF THEY LIKE YOU.

      they’re horrid nasty creatures and become completely insane destructive and unmanageable at one year old
      by all means, get a monkey you stupid frick

      If a monkey is a bad idea do you think maybe I should get a gorilla instead?

      • 3 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        get a marmoset monkey, its the only monkey thats more or less domesticated and safe to own

        • 3 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          mar-mo-set. noted.

      • 3 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        You need to make sure the seller indicates that it's a "mini" or "teacup" breed.

  9. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Fricking Redditors just DEVOURING prime antipodean b8

  10. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Go ahead. If you want your face ripped in half like that lady go right ahead. Monkeys arent supposed to be domesticated especially by untrained animal professionals

  11. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    I don't know about Australian laws, but if you can get one legally through a breeder that would be ideal. Macaques are a disease risk and getting it through a breeder would mitigate that. Assuming you have the land space for a sizeable outdoor enclosure for them, you want to get a castrated infant male. That will mitigate a lot of the bad adolescent behaviors, breeder might be able to help with that. I know some people keep them inside, but it's going to be hard to keep them happy unless you let them outside most of the time. Maybe a split between enclosure and inside as they get older. Any infant primate will need constant care (they will develop psychological issues if you don't let it hold onto you non stop as an infant) but you need it to be young so you have any shot at training it. Also try to learn the behaviors and social cues of the specific monkey you get (I'm assuming macaque because your gf shits in the street), you can use them with your communication with the monkey.

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      >I know some people keep them inside, but it's going to be hard to keep them happy unless you let them outside most of the time.
      So like cats lol
      >I'm assuming macaque because your gf shits in the street
      She doesn't but she does do really stinky ones

  12. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    btw can I feed my monkey like McDonald's, KFC, pizza, etc., or do i have to buy tins of monkey food?

  13. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Monkeys are not house pets. They often suffer horribly from malnutrition since most people are moronic and don't know how to do basic research, let alone the advanced research to not let your poor money suffer with a twisted spine and Rickets.

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