How to start feeling horny in a relationship again?

How to start feeling horny in a relationship again?

It might sound like these two things are incompatible, but yeah it's true for me. I still find my bf's face very attractive (even objectively speaking) and generally my type as well. But I just don't get horny. I do get horny sometimes when I interact with random people who I find attractive, but obviously that's no good if I don't get horny at all in the presence of bf. We still have sex several times a week, and I actually often initiate it, but I initiate sex more from a feeling of necessity/shame ("it's a bad relationship if we don't have sex, if we have sex it will be a normal good relationship").

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  1. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    >I initiate sex more from a feeling of necessity/shame

    This is the problem. Sex has become duty to you, not pleasure/intimacy.

    I respect you for "fulfilling your duty" but that is exactly the issue here.

    There is something wrong in bed between you two. Specifically, you're not satisfied by his performance (which doesn't mean that he's stupid or doesn't know how to penetrate you). You need to tell him what's wrong and why and he needs to fix it.
    A stupid example could be: you like having your pussy licked during foreplay, but he never does that. So you never really get turned on, so you just wait until it's all over

    But it doesn't have to be just about you. Another example could be: He wants blowjobs but you absolutely despise them, they turn you off. That doesn't mean you will never suck his dick ever again, but you will lose interest in sex if you must do something you hate every single time you frick

    I understand you don't want to sound selfish, but you don't get to choose your tastes and if he doesn't satisfy you, you will find yourself in this situation.

    • 1 month ago
      Anonymous

      Thanks for the advice anon. I think the sex itself is fine though. It's hard to describe, but basically I often don't feel horny at all at the start, but the time we start piv sex, then it feels good and I start to become horny. It's just that between me and my bf, I basically don't feel horny unless we are literally in the middle of sex.
      Foreplay is usually us two grinding at each other for a bit before the "actual" sex, but during this phase I still don't feel horny at all. I'm not sure what I would like for foreplay though (assuming different foreplay would even help) because I'm not really sure what I would want, I was inexperienced before him.
      and yeah I guess I've let the internet affect me too much to the point where I always assume that it's always bad if the woman doesn't initiate sex and it's also bad if a couple doesn't have sex often enough.

      • 1 month ago
        Anonymous

        >it's always bad if the woman doesn't initiate sex and it's also bad if a couple doesn't have sex often enough.

        This is TRUE, but not because you are a woman. It's true because a couple that does not have sex is a couple that is dead.

        Not everyone works in the same way. My ex was the kind of girl that wanted to be treated like a princess and it was good compatibility because I am very romantic, but then when she gets horny she wants me to frick and treat her like a prostitute.

        Men will get horny even if you just touch their dick, even against their will (I already experienced this myself) because we're very physical. You can be the ugliest girl I've ever seen, but if you start sucking my dick I will get hard and I will cum if you stroke it.
        Women work a bit differently on this, usually they want to be stimulated in the mind. With girls, it's usually a matter of a setup.

        So, sticking to my own experience (that doesn't necessarily mean it's the same for you):

        What's the best recipe for great sex tonight?
        Take her to a restaurant or to an event or something, have a good night and fun.
        The moment we get home and close the door, she will literally assault me.

        What do we learn? If she is in a good mood, we've had a good night and fun, having sex becomes the cherry on top for her, so not only she is the one initiating it but she's also enthusiastic about it

        All of this is setup. Not a single sexual thing done on my own end (except when the sexual intercourse starts, ofc)

        • 1 month ago
          Anonymous

          Well that's true I think good mood does help. I can remember that one time I was in a really bad money situation since paycheck was late, and I was really struggling. and then when I finally got that money, I felt so happy that I just came over to him and we had sex lol.

          But yeah we usually have 0 setup to sex. When he initiates it's just him laying on the bed and asking me to join him. when I initiate sex it's just me getting onto the bed and taking my clothes off, and I mean he gets the suggestion every time, but I could probably switch it up to something more interesting.

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            Setup is important for you. You need to figure out what you like and possibly discuss it with him.

            My ex did it with me, but I was lucky enough to be "naturally" compatible with this, so it was not her explaining to me what I should do, rather it was her appreciating and telling me she liked the way we initiated and approached sex in general. I would never want sex like you two do, I always want to cuddle first, then transition to sex.

            For you (and practically all the women I spoke to) what matters is the setup. For me (and most men I spoke to) it's a matter of what we do in bed. I have my kinks and if you satisfy them, you have my unwavering and absolute "sexual loyalty" and an almost insatiable partner

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            Thanks for making me realize that. Any idea for better "setup"? We're both kind of poor so things like going to a restaurant is probably not realistic. We do go to cafes together sometimes but that's not really something that awakens my interest ngl.

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            I am not your boyfriend, so I can't tell you what you'd like. This is something you must discover for yourself.

            I don't use drugs, I don't drink and I've never smoked, but my ex used to smoke weed occasionally.
            No restaurant dinner or event could ever compare to the sex demon she became when she smoke some.
            I've often heard that it makes you horny, so maybe you could try that? I think it would be more affordable. But then again, I live my life without drugs and recommend people to do the same, if you ask for my personal opinion.

            Is there really nothing that makes you horny? Dirty talk, anything?
            No offense, but you seem like a virgin to me. You completely know nothing about yourself sexually. This should change, for your own good, you need to find out what you like.

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            I mean I like leather, latex and PVC, as per the OP picture. but that stuff is expensive and the only thing I own is a pair of faux leather pants. my bf does have some stuff, but he never uses it anymore, so I should probably ask him about that.
            I also like dirty talk, but I have no idea how to ask about it since we're both usually just 100% silent during sex apart from just moaning. very rarely he asks me if I "want it" but I don't get horny from this because I start to feel anxious from not knowing what to say, apart from just "yes".

            but yeah sorry if I got into too much detail lol. If you have any other help or ideas I'd still appreciate it.

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            You're both inexperienced in sexuality. That makes things hard. If one of you was, they could lead the other.

            How come you can't get your bf to make a dirty comment? Literally pull up your shirt and bra and shove your breasts in his face. If he doesn't even flinch he's either gay or not interested in your body.

            On a more serious note: I suggest you discuss your sexual life with him. You both need to understand what the other likes.

            When my ex wanted something sexual from me, ranging from just teasing, dirty talk, simply making out or actual sex from me, she knew what buttons to "push", and I knew hers.
            If you just wait the exact moment where you are both wanting the same exact thing, it will be the same as waiting for planets to align.

            Sometimes I just want to grab and play with your breasts a bit. Sometimes I want the full intercourse. Sometimes I just want to mess with you because I am bored.

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            He is experienced though, I'm the one who was inexperienced.
            > Literally pull up your shirt and bra and shove your breasts in his face. If he doesn't even flinch he's either gay or not interested in your body.
            I literally do this sometimes (or more like just push my breasts together for cleavage in front of him or really push out my chest lol) and he will start groping me, but it never leads to sex and then we both just go back to whatever we were doing.

            but yeah I agree, I guess we need to talk. Idk how to approach this though because you would assume he would be the one to do it since he's a lot more experienced, but perhaps I'm just too good at hiding that I'm not truly happy with this situation and he's just 100% happy with it. so in that case I would probably need to ask him first what he thinks of our sex life.

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            >He is experienced though, I'm the one who was inexperienced.

            >Idk how to approach this though because you would assume he would be the one to do it since he's a lot more experienced

            This is why I'm assuming he is not "mature" sexually. It is incredibly obvious to me that you're unhappy with him sexually, It's honestly a miracle you haven't cheated on him. A good miracle, because if you did, there would be no going back.

            >I'm just too good at hiding that I'm not truly happy

            I could tell immediately when my ex was actually horny and when she was just "playing along" with me. There is nothing wrong with doing that every now and then, but it's definetely very wrong if it happens everytime.
            One look at your face should be enough, he's not a one night stand, he's your partner. You need to be on that level of understanding.

            >I literally do this sometimes (or more like just push my breasts together for cleavage in front of him or really push out my chest lol) and he will start groping me, but it never leads to sex and then we both just go back to whatever we were doing.

            Take the initiative. He starts groping your breasts? Great, send him the message that you want more. Squeeze his dick. Get inside the pants (but not the panties) and caress his dick.
            You will read on his face that he will be dying for more. That is where you take off your shirt and basically sex happens.
            I can't believe you guys manage not to have sex after groping, unless you're both tired or in a setting that doesn't allow you to do more

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            Maybe I'm just weird because I genuinely just like the attention (the feeling of attention from getting groped) so it's usually enough for me, and I think he just likes groping in itself and that's why he doesn't turn into sex either lol. next time it happens I will try to get something more out of him though.
            (and no obviously I haven't cheated, we are very committed to each other)

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            >Maybe I'm just weird because I genuinely just like the attention

            You're very ordinary like that, I assure you.

            >(and no obviously I haven't cheated, we are very committed to each other)

            Don't take this the wrong way, but the actual reason you haven't cheated is your innocence. You don't even know that the situation could be better, so you didn't seek it elsewhere.
            That doesn't mean you are a prostitute or that I want to encourage anyone to cheat, but this is basically what drives one to. Dissatisfaction and knowing that they could get this from someone else.

            Just talk to him and be honest like you've been with me. It's shameful that I know more about you sexually from this thread than he does by being your boyfriend.

            I wish you the best of luck, communication truly is key, but it needs trust

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            thanks. it's true I'm not very open about this stuff irl because it just makes me feel extremely awkward and I just avoided it till now. but I guess me feeling the need to make the thread is a sign that I'm not fine with pretending anymore just because it's the comfortable easy choice.

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            >but I guess me feeling the need to make the thread is a sign that I'm not fine with pretending anymore

            Not just that, you even went into details unsolicited. That demonstrates you're desperate to talk to someone (but actually you would want it to be your bf) about it.
            Ofc, a big part of this is the fact that this is an anonymous site, so we will never know each other nor speak again (which is admittedly a bit of a shame, I am now interested in learning how all of this ends)

            >it's true I'm not very open about this stuff irl because it just makes me feel extremely awkward

            This is understandable, but it's your boyfriend we're talking about. He should be the only person with whom you don't feel awkward. Otherwise, what would be the point? If you really believe him to be the one, give him a chance to be a part of you, sexually as well (which is very different from "allow him to rape your pussy because that's your duty as a gf")

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            It's a small thing, but I think I first started feeling like I shouldn't bring up sexual stuff when one time I was genuinely a bit horny, and I told him I had a dream about me giving him a bj when he was sitting on his chair playing vidya. I didn't really have that dream, it was just an excuse to bring it up. but he just had this weirded out expression, and he didn't really say anything, from then on I started to assume that he wouldn't like the same things as me (except for leather of course).

            but yea here I am ranting again. maybe I will make another thread eventually with the same OP pic once I make some progress about these issues.

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            >but he just had this weirded out expression, and he didn't really say anything, from then on I started to assume that he wouldn't like the same things as me

            You just don't know what he likes. I would also hate it if you tried to initiate sex with me while I'm playing videogames. Just wait until the match is over, or something like that.

            But that depends on the person really. I have many friends who would die for a thing like that. My ex tried this with me once, I let her know I didn't like it and never tried again.

            That doesn't mean you should not try things you like but not know if he does. For example, I have never been woken up with a blowjob before. She did it once to me and I absolutely loved it, she made me find out something I've never thought of.
            Ofc, after she did this and saw my positive response, she made me promise I would wake her up with my dick inside her every once in a while

  2. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    Diagnosis : Depression

  3. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    Sounds like an attraction problem. pheromones, looks, etc

  4. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    I don't know if this helps op but in my experience there is a tendency to get used to your partner, they can't do anything to help it

    So if you don't want to leave your partner and go chasing after that next high (and then leave that partner for another one, etc etc) you have to intentionally think to yourself of ways your partner is basically the hottest person in the world (or, at least in your world)

    And yet, all you have to do is live in an all-same-sex environment for a week before literally anyone of the opposite gender who's roughly your age begins to look like the hottest person in the world, try it any time if you get the chance to and you'll see
    So there's nothing inherent about hotness as long as you've chosen your partner and want to stay with them objectively

    I'm a hot guy, so I get propositions from women all the time, and over the course of my 8 year relationship it has tempted me and I've cheated and told my gf now wife about it
    After that turbulent time, when I stopped looking away at the illusion of fulfilling sex somewhere "elsewhere", and started looking at how my wife is hot, I was able to have the best sex and relationship of my life
    And really the best part is, I no longer even feel the urge to cheat

  5. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    >How to start feeling horny in a relationship again?
    1. Don't obstruct your own horny with shitty takes
    2. Check brain chemistry to ensure horny is switching on
    3. Have your bf start being horny with you and roll with it.
    ... I see you already do 3, you probably don't do 1.
    Probably #2 then.

  6. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    >do get horny sometimes when I interact with random people who I find attractive
    ouch, it hurts reading this as an insecure guy

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