Is it okay to be mad at your boyfriend for masturbating?

A community member asks:

My boyfriend and I have been together for six years now and we live together. I recently noticed that my boyfriend jerk offs secretly from time to time. He doesn't do it in front of me, but I've seen traces. I don't think it's because of me and I don't think it started recently, but it bugs me a lot and I feel offended.

I read a lot of articles and came to understand that masturbation is something every man does, but I still don't feel comfortable with him doing it in our bed or in the bathroom.

I don't know how to talk to him about this. I don't want to embarrass him or make him feel uncomfortable, or push him into hiding it more. I'm really confused. I have jerk offd before too, but for some reason, I feel really bad thinking about him doing it. What should I say or do?

This is a tricky question. On one hand, you don't want to be in a relationship where you're uncomfortable, and you want to be honest with your boyfriend. On the other hand, I think you know this is something you can't demand your boyfriend stops doing. It's a hard topic to approach, and the solution isn't super clear. So, where does that leave you?

Here's the thing: masturbation is personal. It's a solo act, and it isn't about you. This is something your boyfriend is doing with his body, and you can't really ask him to stop – it's not fair or respectful, and honestly, it's hypocritical if you're jerking off on your own too.

If your BF was jerking off so much that he stopped having sex with you, or being a jerk about it (like saying he gets off to thoughts of your friends), then yeah, you could ask him to stop.

But… he's not. He's doing it on his own, he's trying not to let it affect you, and he hasn't done anything else (as far as I can tell). So, your reasoning for asking him to stop would be that you don't like it – and, again, that isn't fair.

That said, feeling jealous about your bae jerking off is fairly normal. A lot of people feel threatened by it. What you need to do is figure out why you're so uncomfortable with the thought of him jerking off.

Is it because you feel jealous about the idea of him watching porn or thinking about certain things? Is it because you're not involved? It's possible that your discomfort is coming from something personal with you, like a self-esteem issue or a jealousy thing.

Or, are you uncomfortable with him doing it in places you go in too, like your bedroom or bathroom? If that's the case, well… that's just part of living together! It's something you need to adjust to, sharing personal spaces like that. You can't ask him not to do that stuff there – it's his too, you know?

Really think about why you don't like him jerking off and be honest with yourself. I would try to avoid bringing this up to him, because it seems like something you need to work out on your own.

Remember that masturbation is completely normal and it's even good for you! It relieves stress and makes people happy, and it's a good outlet for sexual feelings.

As long as your sex life is okay and everything else is otherwise normal, don't make your BF feel bad about their solo sex time. That's not cool.

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