Lost virginity. Now really wish I hadn't

After years of horniness and desperation, I finally visited an escort. It's been two months since, and the feelings of disgust about myself and self-hate are only getting stronger. In about 15 minutes, that nice lady destroyed the few pellets of mental health I had left. I don't know how I'll ever forgive myself. I plan on ending it soon, while still maintaing a shred of hope that I will get over it.

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  1. 2 months ago
    Anonymous

    You should be bastard proud of yourself! I've shagged dozens of hookers, who cares!? You were entitled to that shag! There is nothing to forgive.

    • 2 months ago
      Anonymous

      If I may ask, how old are you? Kind of sound like an old man saying that

      • 2 months ago
        Anonymous

        30, what's your point, son?

        • 2 months ago
          Anonymous

          I just felt like an old man can feel less hurt about this kind of mistakes, since there's no incredible future to destroy.
          Now I see that's not the case.
          Tell me, how did you feel after your first time with an escort?

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            Honest answer? Great, obviously I'd rather be shagging a girlfriend. But that wasn't available, so why not?

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            Did you have a girlfriend after that?

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            Yes, listen, doing what you did in no way affects your ability to score. If anything it will help because now you won't be hyper focused on sex.

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            I don't think a future gf will accept me. Not that she won't put up with it, but that it would be like a dagger in her heart, even worse than her breaking up with me because of this

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            She doesn't have to know....

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            It would kill me to try and keep something as big away from her. And I'd rather end it myself fast than slowly

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            This just isn't how adult relationships work, you don't have to tell your life story. Women like a bit of mystery.

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            A bit of mystery, like not telling the number of sexual partners, or if you ever did it in public, or your masturbation habits, but not something as disgusting as this

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            Why do you think seeing a hooker is so bad? We all have needs, and yours weren't being met. Life's not about torture, mate.

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            I couldn't objectively say why, I know there is a certain stigma about sex work, stigma I never agreed with (when talking about other people) , but which I feel righfully shuns me. And I don't know if this visceral disgust with myself is based on my religious upringing, on society, or on "my soul feeling defiled", but it's there and I cannot stop it

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            It will pass. No need to have a nice day over it. We all feel uncomfortable with sexuality from time to time. Be glad you've had the experience. Chill the frick out.

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            I'm trying to chill. In just can't. I cry myself to sleep and can't eat a thing. And suicidal ideation doesn't seem to be going anywhere soon, sadly

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            You've got a dick for a reason, son. You've done nothing wrong. All this hellishness will pass if you let it.

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            I don't know, it feels like I murdered someone, that my conscience will never be the same

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            Read crime and Punishment by Dostoevsky if you want to wallow in some guilt NSFFW

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            I did, and yet I find Raskolnikov's morals and thoughts far cleaner, far nobler than mine. I find what I did even more disguisting

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            >sex with a consenting adult for money is worse than murder

            You are losing it, Anon.

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            I might be, but then again, in my situation I can only look up to him

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            Landlady was asking for it, being there and existing like that. (joke)

            I did, and yet I find Raskolnikov's morals and thoughts far cleaner, far nobler than mine. I find what I did even more disguisting

            He's put it to words. What you're feeling is just a swirling loathing quagmire of unformed thoughts.
            To that end, try keeping making a diary of sorts. See if putting your feelings to ink on paper can help sort it out. Kind of like the whole 'writing an angry letter and not sending it" thing.

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            I have tried that, but I just puke everytime. I cannot put it on paper, I could not speak of it without crying

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            Seems like an obsession with "purity", or "innocence".
            Congrats, you're now part of the dark underbelly of society, never to return, doomed to only look back in nostalgia at the halcyon days of youth.

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            I know you're being sarcastic but it feels nonetheless like that

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            I wasn't actually being sarcastic. You lost your innocence. Everyone does at some point, through some different way. I did as well. It's actually sad, but it's basically inevitable.

            I feel like your analogy works in a literal sense, disproving the disconnect. I don't mind eastern cultures that eat dogs, but I shouldn't and I couldn't forgive myself if I did that.

            You should mind those cultures doing it. If it's okay for them to do it, it's okay for you to do it.
            >actually carnivore meat taste really shitty in general so they shouldn't do it for that reason alone.

            Anyway. If you'd be okay with your gf being a prostitute, then... well, stop here, I have nothing to say to that. But if you're not, like I wouldn't be, then you see there's some value to sex. As such, prostitutedom is actually a tragic thing. And you shouldn't be okay with it. Because people can be complicit in tragedies without being aware of them.
            Anyway, I have to get off to do other things (anime), just bide your time. It'll get better as time goes on. Two months is like little baby.

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            I wouldn't have minded an ex-prostitute gf in general, I just would've thought our personalities to be incompatible, with me being an inexorable virgin
            I don't seek legal or systematic moral validation. I want to forgive myself, and I can't

  2. 2 months ago
    Anonymous

    Demotivation post, into the trash it goes
    Frick off with your pontificating

    • 2 months ago
      Anonymous

      I'm not trying to demotivate anyone. At most I hope I will stop curious people from feeling the regret I feel. I know everyone has a different attitude towards sex and intimacy, I just couldn't stand actually practicing my world view, and now I deeply regret everything

  3. 2 months ago
    Anonymous

    The reason I wouldn't see an escort (aside from the little hope I have left), is that I know that if I ever did, I would trivialize sex. I would make it meaningless and simply not care about it anymore. It would make me more cynical and harder to love.
    For some people, those who are TRULY obsessed over it, this might be freeing, but it's not the case for me.
    I would just become even more jaded.

    • 2 months ago
      Anonymous

      I understand, altough I don't think this trivialized sex for me, quite the opposite, which is why I regret is so much. I just hope I'll find the strength to get over

      • 2 months ago
        Anonymous

        Yes, I think you're right.
        I think the best solution for you to stop feeling so regretful, would be to trivialize your experience and move on.
        Perhaps that's just coping tho.

        Either way, it's done.

        • 2 months ago
          Anonymous

          I feel it's never done, I feel this will poison any future attempt at emotional intimacy, I fear I will never put this thing in the back of my mind for good

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            >I feel this will poison any future attempt at emotional intimacy
            That is why I think that to trivialize it is the best thing you could do.
            Maybe one day you will have another experience and it will feel so different that you won't even compare them.

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            Thanks, man, I feel you've given me at least the start to a solution. I'll just have to rationalize it the best way I can

      • 2 months ago
        Anonymous

        >sex regret
        I'll share a little bit of my story with you.
        I was like you, once. Valued sex and the emotional bond it creates and blah blah. Then I got a gf and started a relationship. Years passed, and the relationship ended. THEN, she got an abortion. It... hurt.
        I thought, possibly, I could maybe move on. A girl found me (not the other way around), a relationship started on her insistence, against my better judgement I let myself get close to her. We had sex but once, and semi shortly afterwards she did a 180 and hated my guts. I was closer to her somehow than I was the first one, so this hurt even more, albeit in a different way obviously.
        It's been several years since, and I'm just now starting to get over things.

        Not to trivialize it, but your thing was "just" sex. If you wanted a spectrum of sorts, put emotional bond / loveydove sex on one side, and masturbation on the other side, with prostitute in the middle. I'm not trying to devalue your trauma, just give perspective. You're not having immense regret over experiencing your first orgasm alone are you?
        It's not quite the same thing, of course, but you maybe see where I'm going with this. The pure physical sensation is just that.
        >but anon, first time with a vegana and-
        If that's the reasoning, fret not, as different veganas are as different as different penises, more or less.
        >but anon that's cope
        Yes it is. Use it as a crutch as long as you need.

        • 2 months ago
          Anonymous

          I wouldn't mind coping, I just feel I can't. Thank you for being kind and understanding, both qualities I feel I can't even attribute to myself since I've done this. I'm sorry you've been through this, and I'm glad you're starting to get over things. I hope to get to your level of understanding, and finally see this as something more trivial than the tragedy I feel it is right now

  4. 2 months ago
    Anonymous

    Pray to God for forgiveness, and live a chaste life. On some level, your soul recognizes that you have been defiled. You need to take the steps to fix it; fasting, prayer, and sexual temperance (minimal fapping).

    • 2 months ago
      Anonymous

      Why not go the whole hog and castrate him? Frick off with this Puritanical dog shit.

    • 2 months ago
      Anonymous

      I've already stopped fapping, but I can never repent, I don't feel it ever resolves something. It might be because I'm not religious, but I do recognise sin and I don't feel sins like this can be brushed away with praying

  5. 2 months ago
    Anonymous

    Dude you fricked a hooker it's not that big of a deal stop being such a crybaby homosexual.

    • 2 months ago
      Anonymous

      It feels more than that, it feels I destroyed my future and my self image. I understand I shouldn't bother y'all, but it just feels too heavy of a burden

      • 2 months ago
        Anonymous

        All you did realistically at worst was waste money. You fricked a condom not a hooker anyway.

        • 2 months ago
          Anonymous

          I wish I could see it like that

      • 2 months ago
        Anonymous

        You were holding yourself to an unreasonable standard. It's not like you're a Roman priest, or a married man. This self laceration is absurd.

        • 2 months ago
          Anonymous

          I don't know, I never judged people or held them to these standards (at least not conciously). But I can't not hold myself, I feel terrible

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            Chad is banging chicks night and day, breaking hearts left and right. And he doesn't give a damn. You're not harming anyone.

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            I don't find sleeping with many girls disguisting. Yes, breaking hearts is evil, but somehow not disguisting. At least not as much as what I did

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            You've been brainwashed to hate yourself. Break the conditioning.

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            You don't know the prostitute's situation (at least, I think you don't). For all you know, rather than being hard up on money and needing to use her body to pay rent*, she could just be a bawd killing two birds with one stone.

            * It's not that different than normal jobs. You're basically selling your body to do most jobs, like cashier or whatever. Sure, it's still totally different in some ways, but you maybe get what I mean.
            Unless she was part of a human trafficking ring, she made that choice herself. I get it, and find it distasteful as well, but who are we to make decisions for others.

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            I don't believe she was in any way coerced into this, but the thing is I don't even find her job distasteful. I never did want to judge anyone. But I can't not judge myself

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            There's a disconnect there. If her job isn't distasteful, then there's nothing wrong with you partaking of it.
            Said another way, you can not hold the following beliefs:
            >eating dogs is acceptable
            >I should not judge others for eating dogs
            >I should not eat dogs.
            If one and two are true, then three must be false as well.

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            I feel like your analogy works in a literal sense, disproving the disconnect. I don't mind eastern cultures that eat dogs, but I shouldn't and I couldn't forgive myself if I did that.

      • 2 months ago
        Anonymous

        >shouldn't bother y'all
        You better be from Texas homosexual.

        >destroyed your self image
        Yep. You did. I did that to myself as well. It's kind of weird when you're still young, but as you get older you find that it's basically impossible to make it out with your "self image" not changing over time.
        Maybe you get a surgery, and accidentally end up addicted to the pain pills. OOPS. Shit happens. Well, once you get over that, now you're able to be a bit nicer to druggies, knowing how easy and purely unintentionally it can happen. Frick a prostitute? Be a bit nicer to girls who have a body count of more than zero now, knowing how easy it is to get used / fall to your own temptation / lack of self control. Still have standards, just realize the human condition is weaker than you previously thought.

        • 2 months ago
          Anonymous

          I'm not from Texas, sorry if that was annoying

          I will do that, I just wish kindness didn't require me to feel something so painful

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            Mostly giving you a hard time on the y'all. We don't have a monopoly on the word.
            >I just wish kindness didn't require me to feel something so painful
            Pain is life's way of teaching you a lesson.
            Sometimes you can listen to others, but sometimes you need to experience it yourself.
            >don't touch the stove, it's hot
            Listened to your elders? Congrats, you avoided the pain. Doubt them / had no one to teach you?
            >touch stove
            >oww

            I don't know, it feels like I murdered someone, that my conscience will never be the same

            Your conscience WILL never be the same, but you see, the thing is, it never will be anyway. Any single thing you experience, changes you. Watch a tv show? You can never go back to the way you were before the show.
            It's why you must be careful in your actions, and even in your thoughts.

            So anyway, these words and realizations were your lesson for this experience. The price was one frick with a prostitute and months of self loathing.
            Hopefully it's a lesson you won't need to repeat any time soon.
            There were some lessons I had to have drilled into me repeatedly...
            Thankfully nothing so serious, but some of us are slow learners. After all, you surely knew prostitution was "wrong", and yet you did it anyway.

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            I don't think realizing (or repenting), or anything else will sooth my pain in any way. I can learn lessons, but this just feels too much for me

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            You're fixated on it right now. The term is ruminating. Distract yourself and it will be pushed back by other things. Here's a fun one if you're in the north at all. Take a cold shower. Like, as cold as you can. Ice cold. For only 5 or so minutes. (You probably want to work yourself up to it, or down to the temperature, technically). When it's truly cold, you can barely think of anything else, because your brain is all "FRICK FRICK FRICK IT'S COLD AAAAAAAA".
            It's actually good for anxiety lol.
            When you pass the time more, and are worried about writing a paper, or dealing with the task in front of you, well, your mind will be too preoccupied to bother with thoughts of prostitutes and sex.

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            It's been two months, not sure I can distract myself truly. I will try cold showers, but I doubt it will be anything more than distracting for the period of time I am in that shower, and then I'll get back to it

        • 2 months ago
          Anonymous

          To follow up to this:
          You WILL make mistakes. It happens. It's part of life. What's important is learning from those mistakes, and forgiving yourself / others when they show contrition.

          Also, not that I was religious before, but my mistakes made me really appreciate the faith (catholic). Now you see why they so urge people to not be so promiscuous.
          Just imagine how'd you feel if she got pregnant on top of everything else. Now, aside from the feelings of sex outside marriage / gf you're TOTALLY gonna marry just later bro, you now have to deal with the whole "do i want to be a father to this out of wedlock sad scenario or do I want to, you know, murder them?" The entire thing could have been avoided had you just remembered why sex outside marriage is said to be a sin but noooooo, you thought you could eat your cake and have it too. Etc. etc. You could guess why I used that example. (In my case, she made the decision, though I still give myself the blame as it takes two).

  6. 2 months ago
    Anonymous

    Lmao, you won't have magic powers, you gave all your primordial yang to a vile daughter of Lilith.
    In a few months, I shall enter magehood and transcend humanity!

  7. 2 months ago
    Anonymous

    You are such a little pussy

    • 2 months ago
      Anonymous

      Not denying it, I just wish I could end this pain that I feel

      • 2 months ago
        Anonymous

        Manning up

        But that's easier said than done

  8. 2 months ago
    Anonymous

    You sound like a melodramatic homosexual. The only one who is harming yourself, is you when you take shitty nonsensical attitudes like this.

  9. 2 months ago
    Anonymous

    i lost my virginity at the age of 29 (a week before my 30th bday) to a fat girl i met on a dating app

    it was just as bad and unfulfilling. i felt utterly repulsed by her and i have not had any desire for sex since. it's been nearly 4 years now.

    funny enough, i crave intimacy and i have crushing loneliness, but the sex part just revolts me now

    • 2 months ago
      Anonymous

      I can't describe how you feel, but it must be a bit better than the poison I feel I took. Sorry to hear about your lack of sexual desire. I think I'm on the same path now

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