Marriage after adultery

To summit up, I’m a sex addict in recovery, and I relapsed. As I’m sure plenty of you know, addiction is a progressive disease, so this time it was actually a physical fair instead of just cyber sex shit. Obviously, she’s extremely hurt, I am extremely hurt by my own actions, but I’m continuing with program. She said that the only thing I can do to earn her forgiveness is to stay with program and meet at this time when I say I won’t have a relapse.
But that’s part of the issue. I’d really just started feeling better about the whole thing because I’d had over a year of sobriety from any adulterous activity, any pornography, or jerking off while thinking about anything or anyone except my wife. I was finally starting to feel like if I worked really hard for the rest of my life, I could be worthy of her. But work moved her to a new location, and won’t say until mid next week whether or not, they want to extend her another six months to stay out there, or send her home. And I just couldn’t contain myself being all alone. She insist she forgives me, but there are plenty of conversations where I can see. If she’s still in a lot of pain, she’ll make remarks about me having sex with another woman, and when I become somber about it, she gets mad and says “well it was a joke, go on, laugh about it.” I understand that I am the offender, I understand that I’m not supposed to expressed any emotion like hurt or pain or irritability, as I go through withdrawal again. But it’s really hard. Is there any actual hope? Most other addicts in my group are terminally single or divorced as a result or anomalies it seems.

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  1. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    >I just couldn’t contain myself
    This is the only line in that text wall that matters. You could, you chose not to. Own that because right now you're pretending its out of your hands in some way, but it isn't. You actively made a choice. Honestly you should just divorce the poor woman and set her free

    • 1 month ago
      Anonymous

      I tried. I told her that I’m willing to do whatever she asks of me, but that the ball is in her court and at any time she can change her mind. She insisted while she’s very hurt, she expected me to fail while she was gone, and still wants to make it work. She can forgive ne only if I stick to program.
      I say couldn't because I was bound to fail doing what I was doing. I was convinced that if I just isolated myself from everyone, if I just stayed so busy, I couldn’t possibly have time for any “acting out“ behavior, and thinking that I didn’t need any actual type of community or guide work. I’m sure that some people who have addictions can get over it just fine by themselves. But I had to face facts and except that I’m not one of those people.

      >> couldn’t contain myself being all alone

      Tell us how this relates to addiction as opposed to just general libido?

      >> understand that I’m not supposed to expressed any emotion like hurt or pain or irritability, as I go through withdrawal again.

      Who the frick told you that nonsense?

      There’s a difference between being horny, and constantly going against promises that you’ve made to stop doing things, continually going against your own morals and values, putting your job at risk, losing family and friends, putting your life at risk, risking jail time.
      It’s pretty common sense, isn’t it? I cheated on her. I’ve betrayed everything about her trust. She’s going through so many different types of hurt, what right do I have to express any of that? What right do I have to say that I feel bad about anything? if she yells at me, if she harms me, what right do I have to be upset about that? Don’t I deserve that and worse? Not that she does physically harm me, but she’s justified in yelling and screaming at me. But isn’t she allowed to be upset that I might take a comment of hers personally? Isn’t it totally in line for her to say “I’m the one who got cheated on, what right do you have to be upset if I bring it up?“

      • 1 month ago
        Anonymous

        >> There’s a difference between being horny, and constantly going against promises that you’ve made to stop doing things, continually going against your own morals and values, putting your job at risk, losing family and friends, putting your life at risk, risking jail time.

        No there isn't. People do all of those things because they're just horny. Tell me about your addiction anon because I'm suddenly not convinced you actually have a sex addictionq. What does sex mean to you? What motivates you to have sex?

        • 1 month ago
          Anonymous

          What the frick are you talking about? No, most people will not risk jail just for sex. Most people will not purposefully ruin their life over sex. Most people, do not base their entire self-worth and emotional stability off of sex. I will grant you that sex addiction is a lot more common than people give it credit for, a lot of people don’t realize it’s a problem Until they hit rock bottom and lose something extremely important to themselves.
          A good friend once told me how I can spot an addiction.
          >If you ever find yourself declaring that you want do some thing tonight, it can be a wide array of things, but you swear to yourself that you won’t do it. And then you find yourself later that night doing it anyway? You need to start seeking help, because clearly you can’t control yourself with it anymore.
          Replace sex with alcohol, you would call someone that can’t seem to stop drinking, that risks ruining their entire life because of alcohol, that risks jail time for alcohol, you would stay without question that’s an alcoholic.

      • 1 month ago
        Anonymous

        Posting some .org info graphic from an addicts anonymous group doesn't literally mean you're powerless to your urges. You didn't have some out of body experience where you watched from above as your body fricked someone that wasn't your wife and you couldn't make it stop. Any excuse so that its not within your control to stop it though right?

        • 1 month ago
          Anonymous

          >Any excuse so that its not within your control to stop it though right?
          >Is literally taking steps within his control to stop it after recognizing it's a problem he can't control ON HIS OWN
          You are so fricking stupid I'm quite frankly amazing you were able to type out your post without asphyxiating halfway through
          I'd tell you to actually go read some SA literature but the big words might confuse your brain

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            Yes I'm sure the little cult reinforcing the lack of responsibility in your purposeful choices would disagree using big words to try and sound more profound than it is. Let me boil it down for you in a way you and those morons can understand. You control your peepee. Your peepee = your problem. Want no problem? Control peepee, no put peepee where dont belong. Take that to your SA meeting and try not to blow a guy while you're there

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            >Yes I'm sure the little cult reinforcing the lack of responsibility by enforcing responsibility among its members
            Again, you're incredibly fricking stupid, I think the moron talk is more to your benefit
            Now go jack off to some video of a guy's big veiny dick, you dopamine-enslaved homosexual

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            >you dopamine-enslaved homosexual
            I'm not the one pretending I cant control my actions for the dopamine hit though am I midwit? If it could enforce responsibility within its members then why didn't he call someone instead of fricking someone? You control your actions and choices, moron

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            You're the type of homosexual that goons for hours on end every day while saying "addiction to sex don't real, I'm in control!"
            > If it could enforce responsibility within its members then why didn't he call someone instead of fricking someone?
            Uhh maybe that's because the whole point of the group is for people to find it AFTER realizing it's a problem they can't control on their own. Fucing hell you're dumb
            Unrelated question, how would you feel if you didn't eat breakfast this morning?

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            Nice projection. Thats a whole lot of text just to say nothing. Ooooh going to 1 to 2 meetings per day to learn all the phrases and tools only to ignore them, choose to give in to an urge, and claim powerlessness. Yeah I cant do it myself, but I won't use the resources to get help from others, but choosing not to do that isn't my fault, I HAD to frick that person I was literally powerless to unzipping my pants. Ugh its so horrible.... its so unfair. moron

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            So you are actually incapable of understanding cause and effect, got it.
            You're so idiotic and nonsensical that I'm beginning to think you're a woman, which is impossible because there are no girls on NSFFW. You definitely have a female brain though, you might be the one case in the world where jumping on HRT might actually be helpful.

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            >incapable of understanding cause and effect
            Are you capable of understanding personal choice and responsibility for actions taken?

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            Wow, so this is what it must be like to be a special ed teacher, I feel so sorry for them
            >You're not taking responsibility for your actions by taking responsibility for your actions!
            Your brain is small and full of estrogen, stop beating your meat and it will at least solve the latter problem.

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            You're not actually saying anything or supporting anything you say, you realize that right? Calling someone special ed and a woman doesn't strengthen your poorly made point. You've only proven that in addition to self control you also lack intelligence and forethought

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            >Starts denigrating other people first
            >Wahhh wahh why am I being denigrated back?
            Don't dish out what you can't eat, little b***h

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            Again you've said nothing and only proven your ineptitude

            At this point, I just find it funny and sad that you seem to have some irrational raging hatred of cheaters and chronic porn abusers trying to end their problems and take responsibility for the mistakes they made...because they use some books and go to meetings? I mean, it really only makes sense if you're actually some sort of anti-social, illiterate moron.
            Actually, that just makes it sad, because my life is getting and will continue to get better, while your life is and will continue to get worse. Anyway, good luck.

            My lifes quite nice, I dont have any of these problems im normal lol. Just so you know its not taking responsibility if you say you couldn't help it and its not your fault, thats the opposite

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            Wow, so this is what it must be like to be a special ed teacher, I feel so sorry for them
            >You're not taking responsibility for your actions by taking responsibility for your actions!
            Your brain is small and full of estrogen, stop beating your meat and it will at least solve the latter problem.

            Why even have this argument? It doesn’t resolve your issue.

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            He can't control himself, but its not his fault you see...

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            At this point, I just find it funny and sad that you seem to have some irrational raging hatred of cheaters and chronic porn abusers trying to end their problems and take responsibility for the mistakes they made...because they use some books and go to meetings? I mean, it really only makes sense if you're actually some sort of anti-social, illiterate moron.
            Actually, that just makes it sad, because my life is getting and will continue to get better, while your life is and will continue to get worse. Anyway, good luck.

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            Wow, so this is what it must be like to be a special ed teacher, I feel so sorry for them
            >You're not taking responsibility for your actions by taking responsibility for your actions!
            Your brain is small and full of estrogen, stop beating your meat and it will at least solve the latter problem.

            [...]
            Why even have this argument? It doesn’t resolve your issue.

            I'm pretty sure these arguments are staged, and part of the same invasion as the kys people in suicide threads and the doompill frogposters.

            Obviously a person who has a problem with self control is going to continue to struggle with such problems throughout recovery, or he would no longer be in recovery. He would be recovered. And obviously one facet of struggling with self control is the potential for failure to utilize the safety procedures you have set up. Talking yourself into a drink, and talking yourself out of a phone call, are not such different acts.

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            >Obviously a person who has a problem with self control is going to continue to struggle with such problems throughout recovery, or he would no longer be in recovery. He would be recovered. And obviously one facet of struggling with self control is the potential for failure to utilize the safety procedures you have set up.
            It really does beggar belief but there are people who are so stupid they can't recognize this very simple fact

            Again you've said nothing and only proven your ineptitude
            [...]
            My lifes quite nice, I dont have any of these problems im normal lol. Just so you know its not taking responsibility if you say you couldn't help it and its not your fault, thats the opposite

            Yeah, your life is so nice you're wasting it arguing with someone like me for a sense of validation and self-righteousness that you totally get in the real world 🙂

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            Ooooh ive got an excuse so its not my fault! Dont be mad when you get called out on your weak willed bullshit

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            >You can't solve your problems with group meetings and books because....YOU JUST CAN'T OK? IT DOESN'T COUNT
            The sheer irrationality. Your life really does suck, huh?

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            Why are you so upset? Its not even your fault, your free will doesnt exist and youre literally powerless. You could do it again every day and there would be nothing you could do to stop it

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            Mmmm yeah I think I'm done taking advice on self control from someone who can't even resist continuing an argument on an internet forum for validation. I'm beginning to think only one of us has an addiction, and it's not me
            Anyway, I'm done. Enjoy replying to this post, I know how bad you need that dopamine hit. But yeah I'm the one with no self control 🙂

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            Hey, its not your fault. And THATS taking responsibility

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            Where, between the words struggle and failure, did you see me assert that he isn't weak willed? That he lacks willpower is the whole premise of being in recovery, and the reason for these failsafes they do. Perhaps you've never read the Frog and Toad story where they are eating too many cookies so they put the cookies in a box, then tie a knot around it, then put it up on a shelf. "But Frog," says Toad, "Can't we just get the box down and untie it..." and so on. The idea is not that any one step will protect you, but that witnessing yourself violating one of the failsafes will give you pause to reconsider and summon what willpower and strength you may have.

            Of course Frog and Toad see through this nonsense and eventually do what Jesus instructed - they just get rid of the cookies. But how can OP do this with sex? It will do no good to castrate himself, this harms his wife and marriage. He needs to remove the source of the temptation.

            What is that source? It is separation from his wife.

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            But let's not talk about that. Let's drum up another distraction.

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            Ah yes, its his wife's fault. See if she hadn't done that he never would have HAD to cheat. He did have to btw, he's powerless to it and she knew that, and it wasn't a choice for him he literally had to

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            Doesn't matter whose fault it is, we are sinners by nature and the way to stop sinning is remove the temptation. He can't remove women or his penis, the only factor he can get rid of is his solitude. And yes the solitude is partly his wife's doing. She shouldn't have to live with that threat but he was a known quantity and no one had to warn her she was playing with fire. If the job was really that important it makes more sense to simply let him have a side piece, then the betrayal and humiliation are removed from the equation which seem to be the source of hurt. But since OP's addiction seems to be rooted in self-defilement rather than just a love of women, I think he would probably just move on to a different vice.

            As I replied to another anon, there’s genuinely nothing I can do about it right now. At the end of the day, she makes more money than I do, than I ever could. It’s some thing I’ve already had to accept and live with. It’s not forever, as she’s expressed just how much she misses our children, and she wishes she could be home, But she really can’t say no to these people. It jeopardizes her future employment entirely. Luckily, it’s temporary. Soon will know what move to make, if she’s coming back home or if she’ll start scouting out places to live out there. And we’ll start the moving process.
            [...]
            Well… Yesnt. I won’t say that you’re wrong in that separation was the driving factor of my relapse. But again, look at it like alcohol or drug abuse. If you took someone that was in recovery for a little bit over a year, and suddenly the only other person holding them accountable, the only other person that was helping them with their addiction, is suddenly gone for months. Let’s say they have the money to score. They have the time to be high. Nobody would know, except them, or unless they told someone they relapsed. All the different rationalizations that come with it. I’ll be fully honest! I relapsed, because suddenly I had opportunity. And I had no real failsafes around me. I had no support. There was nobody to call. But, at some point or another, I was bound to face the situation where I was facing such stress that I turned to my old addiction again, even if I knew I was going to be caught.
            >“I don’t give a frick anymore I JUST NEED A DRINK/HIT”
            >Why have I done this? Why couldn’t I hold out? Why have I destroyed all I’ve worked for?

            I'm sorry but if you've given details of the original offense then I've forgotten them, but if your original offense was at a time when she was usually home, moving to be with her won't necessarily help. She needs to keep you on a short leash or no leash. I assume the time you have to yourself is while the kids are in school. Whatever it is, maybe you could try what my friend does with her sister overseas, they are on a voice call almost the whole day with one earbud in, to the point that they forget about the call. You could just do this while you are alone, and not talk. (I an also the anon who thinks you should talk less in the phone.) Of course this is just another failsafe, but at least it's one you have to account for. Are you able to see each other on GPS?

    • 1 month ago
      Anonymous

      This. It takes a fair amount of effort to go around banging random women. You don't care about your girl and you don't respect her. You're the worst kind of person. Stop making excuses and just admit you're a piece of shit with no self control that deserves to be alone. If you loved her you'd spend the time you do whoring around actually nurturing your relationship.

      • 1 month ago
        Anonymous

        If he's serious about it, he could sabotage his ability to go out alone and to spend money. Close accounts, cancel credit cards, have kids pay for groceries and gas. Use Doordash and her Uber account for everything, allow her to track the car or put it in storage. Maybe you can get an ankle monitor?

    • 1 month ago
      Anonymous

      fpbp

      OP is a piece of shit. I hope she wises up and leaves you.

  2. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    >> couldn’t contain myself being all alone

    Tell us how this relates to addiction as opposed to just general libido?

    >> understand that I’m not supposed to expressed any emotion like hurt or pain or irritability, as I go through withdrawal again.

    Who the frick told you that nonsense?

  3. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    To be fair to you, you seem to be a decent person, despite your addiction. You recognize your mistakes, and that you did something wrong, and that is indeed something.
    I'd say, try to walk the straight line again, and at the same time, try to see what was the reason for your relapse. If it is one specific person, cut that person out of your life entirely. Try to keep your mind busy with something else, like a hobby, or a physical exercise. When you feel lonely, try calling/texting/talking to your wife.

    • 1 month ago
      Anonymous

      I’m already in a program that’s just for sex addicts, I stick exclusively to men’s only groups, and I’ve gotten a lot of praise from other men for how hard I’ve gotten into it, but that’s not exactly my question. I’ve talked to plenty of old-timers that have more than a decade of sobriety under their belt, I’m taking all of their advice, I’m reading all the literature. I understand why it happened, I understand what I was doing wrong. I understand why I lost my grip on myself. But am I just wasting my wife’s time by staying with her? Even though she’s saying she wants to make this work, am I doing her an injustice by not just taking the initiative to leave the marriage? How CAN I better manage my emotions with her, when I know that I have no right to be upset about anything she has to say to me? She can call me the worst names in the book and it’s all true. I also feel very bad because one of her coworkers knows. And she expressed remorse for having let this coworker know, because she is divorced as a result of adultery, and is clearly “ on my side and sees you as the evil party that should be publicly hanged” and she said that now she doesn’t feel like it’s appropriate to talk to this coworker about how her marriage is going or anything with regards to our personal life, because she’s bound to just say that I deserve worse than she’s doing and my wife doesn’t find that very fair. But I feel bad that essentially she doesn’t have any support through this. the same thing happened when she tried going to her family for advice the first time I had a relapse. Now she can’t talk to them about our marital issues because she realized that they’re only going to tell her to divorce me. I have dozens of men in my contacts now that I understand not only addiction, but my personal struggle with addiction and what’s going on in my life in marriage that I can call any time I’m struggling.

      • 1 month ago
        Anonymous

        Yo anon, I'm the addict from the other thread that I think you're also posting in.
        > Even though she’s saying she wants to make this work, am I doing her an injustice by not just taking the initiative to leave the marriage?
        Sounds to me like you're trying to find a reason to fall back into your addiction.
        Do you really think you could stay sexually sober if you broke up and found yourself single? Are you sure you're not just looking for a way to get back onto tinder, text that old flame of yours, go find a one night stand at a bar?
        Don't avoid responsibility to your wife and children out of guilt. As for your wife's coworkers, maybe this is a sign you should both spend more time together. Find new couples to hang out with. I really don't think mothers should be working anyway, it's a disordering of man as the provider and woman as the caretaker of the family. Maybe find a job that lets her stay at home and she can get involved in other activities.
        And remember
        KEEP COMING BACK, IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT SO WORK IT CUZ YOU'RE WORTH IT

        • 1 month ago
          Anonymous

          Thanks anon :^)
          It’s not that I’m trying to justify going back to it, I understand that recovery also Hass to be for me, that, even if I was single, I can’t go back to what I did before my wife. I was an abusive monster. I did horrible things that I feel a lot of shame for, I can’t go back to that. I just want to at least feel some assurance, that I don’t have to hurt anybody else anymore. Sometimes, I feel like just my presence is painful to her. After all, how really can she think of me and not think about what I did? I almost feel like I’m wasting more time of her life, the longer that she waits to realize that it’s not going to be easy at all to walk this path with me, the harder it will be to actually replace me with someone that’s more suitable for a family. The older our children will get, And the harder it’ll be for them to except a new man as their father figure. I feel this pressure that, the longer she spends dealing with my dumb ass the worse my family will suffer in the long run.

  4. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    >If she’s still in a lot of pain, she’ll make remarks about me having sex with another woman, and when I become somber about it, she gets mad and says “well it was a joke, go on, laugh about it.”
    Also, this is not a healthy attitude for her to have about it. It's fine for you to lay down the law and say "Look, you said you wanted to make this work. If you really want that, you can't keep saying things like that because it's not helpful." Just make sure it's always in the context of the marriage, not your personal feelings.
    You both harbor resentment. You both need to work on getting rid of it.

  5. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    Fellow addict anon here again, mostly going to post this for my own catharsis but maybe it'll still be helpful.
    I'd say your damn lucky to still have your wife, because now you won't have to build your life again. My fiancée and I were together for a total of 8.5 years, mostly as BF and GF, and lived together for only 5 of those years, but during that time we made some truly irreplaceable memories ad now I have to cut them out of my life entirely. We took trips and went places together that now I'm not sure I'll ever be able to revisit. We bonded over so many things. We raised pets together that I won't be able to remember without remembering her. I won't be able to share any of those experiences with the woman I get together with next, because who really wants to hear something like "Oh yeah, me and my ex did that together all the time!"? It's like those moments and memories have to disappear and everything special outside of just her has to go with it. That hurts me as much if not more than just losing her, knowing I can't look back at old pictures or mementos of places we went even for myself.
    You don't have to lose all of that. You don't have to lose your life. Maybe that will help you a bit, to look back at the past. Even if it's not the same because you hurt her, your still built a bond and shared memories and life experiences that no amount of cheating can ever erase.

    • 1 month ago
      Anonymous

      It’s not that cheating has erased any of that, it’s just… Tainted it. I look at everything that she’s giving me, everything that she’s done for me, everything she sacrificed for me. And I feel like this abominable monster, who threw all that to the wind. I know that if any of my friends I’ve ever had came to me and describe the situation, I would tell him to leave for her sake. I would tell him that if he really loved her, he would remove himself from her life, so that she could be happy again , without having to constantly worry about what he was doing, or who he was doing. So she could eventually find someone that would give her all that love, without the incredible pain of living with an addict.

      But, I know that she feels the way that you do. That is to say, she doesn’t want to throw all of that away. She doesn’t want to say goodbye to everything that we’ve built and worked for, just because I had a slip under great pressure. She doesn’t want to lose her husband and the father of her children, just because she’s hurt. It can be very hard to keep this in perspective sometimes. So I do appreciate you reminding me.
      Expressing emotion is problematic, when some of these emotions are outright insulting to her. She takes them as an insult. I can’t express them, but they end up showing through and my actions of withdrawing from her, being quiet so that I don’t say somethings that further irritates her. It irritates her anyway, of course.

    • 1 month ago
      Anonymous

      An example: today, she said that she really wishes I was there with her, because it’s a great day, and she’d love to go on a nice walk with me in nature. I didn’t say what I really thought about it, which was that I wouldn’t wanna do that with her. Because I feel like I don’t deserve to enjoy happy moments with her right now. I don’t feel like she deserves to have to spend time with me, and I feel conflicted because well I understand it brings comfort for her to be around me, it also brings comfort to me, which I feel I just don’t deserve. In wanting to deprive myself, I end up depriving her, which just isn’t fair in any way.

      • 1 month ago
        Anonymous

        In conclusion, yeah I really think you're being selfish by staying guilty. You are so lucky, you are so fricking lucky my guy. Stop being selfish and stop feeling guilty. Go text your wife that you love her and always will, right now. Frick, man, you don't know how lucky you are.

        • 1 month ago
          Anonymous

          I still have to do my outreach for today, and I know I need to be honest with the fellas. I need to try and find any of them that are still married and ask them how they dealt with this period. From shame to grace, I have a disease, I am not a disease, the person I’ve been, is not the person I am. I know all of these phrases, I’ve heard them said daily. Since starting program, I’ve been going to a meeting every night, sometimes two a night. But you’re right. How much progress can I expect to make when I’m holding onto old Waze still? The old way for me was hard, atonement and punishment. But it didn’t never really fix things did it? Somewhere within me, I know that it won’t fix anything now either. I’ve excepted all of my behaviors that led me to this place, except for this one. What does punishment mean if it’s self-inflicted? Thank you fellow addict.

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            No problem anon. I believe in you, and so does God. Where there is love, there's hope.
            Good luck and God bless.

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            I have barely half read through a bunch of these crackpot replies, so I’m not sure if you’re still in the thread, since it’s been completely fricking derailed, but I did want to let you know that I reached out to her and she was able to get away and take a call for like 30 minutes, And I apologized for hanging onto this behavior of needing self punishment and atonement. I acknowledge that I need to reach out tonight to if it all possible, one of the other married persons in my contacts. I know that I need to ask them how they actually got through it, if they experienced my strange ritual, and how they stopped. But, I definitely feel like God had you looking at advice threads today for a reason. What are actually the odds that someone saw my post and happened to also be a sex addict? Let alone a sex addict and program, I should rephrase that since clearly we’ve seen quite a few sex addicts in denial in this thread alone. but, thank you for helping me reframe things and understand this is still just another behavior that Hass to change, yet another old way that hasn’t sold anything in the past and I’m counting on it to solve things now

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            No worries man, and luckily for you it isn't even your fault anyways.

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            You'd know, you don't have a gram of self control in your body
            The only thing worse than an addict is a predictable one

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            Predictable like say.... a guy continuing to cheat on his wife and pretend he couldn't help it? That does sound particularly despicable youre right

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            I hope one day you get the help you need for this addiction

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            >he says, replying again
            You seem like the one having trouble anon. Reply again, do it for me

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            Seriously, what's the issue in your life? What's wrong? You can tell me, who hurt you this badly?

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            Its not your fault, its out of your control and you literally cannot help it. Thx for obeying and replying, now do it again

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            Only replying because I know you need it so fricking bad. I feel bad for people as broken as you.
            Now, it's your turn to reply. I'm done, enjoy the dopamine hit. You don't have the will power to resist.

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            Dunno if you're lurking the thread anymore but I came back to check in on you.
            Sorry about the derailment, the are very ignorant and even genuinely evil people in the world, remember the devil delights in seeing people stumble, and is enraged when they get back up.
            >but I did want to let you know that I reached out to her and she was able to get away and take a call for like 30 minutes
            That's a great step, you did something very important for your relationship and are on your way to making amends. I'd second talking to an old timer and getting more advice from someone who's been there, done that. You very clearly still have love for your wife, and you need to make sure you keep cherishing that love.
            >yet another old way that hasn’t sold anything in the past and I’m counting on it to solve things now
            Again, the biggest battles in this struggle are overcoming resentment and accepting forgiveness. And part of that is forgiving yourself and not resenting yourself anymore.
            >But, I definitely feel like God had you looking at advice threads today for a reason. What are actually the odds that someone saw my post and happened to also be a sex addict? Let alone a sex addict and program
            God works in mysterious ways. You will get better, and eventually mend your soul and live free and happy from your lustful impulses. I wish you good luck my friend, and God speed.

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            >the are very ignorant and even genuinely evil people in the world
            yeah, like you guys cheating on your wives, idiots

            >God works in mysterious ways
            adultery is a sin, enjoy hell

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            >yeah, like you guys cheating on your wives, idiots
            I never said what I've done isn't evil and wrong but
            >adultery is a sin, enjoy hell
            I've repented, because the one true God Jesus Christ has brought salvation to the world of sinners
            Wishing damnation on other people is a mortal sin as well you know, arguably worse than adultery because you're presuming you know God's intent

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            If you really believed in any aspect of Christianity you'd just actively be a good person instead of pulling the "I said I'm sorry to Jesus so it's all good" bullshit when you know full well it's insincere and for appearances.

            [...]
            Also I was never married, so technically I was just fornicating
            Still wrong, but I'm not an adulterer, Not that I'm going to let an internet atheist who's probably mad at their mom for trying to get them to go to Church, try to use my own faith against me.

            Frick you. You're a disgrace to your church and if there is a God he's shaking his head at you.

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            >f you really believed in any aspect of Christianity you'd just actively be a good person instead of pulling the "I said I'm sorry to Jesus so it's all good" bullshit when you know full well it's insincere and for appearances
            Jesus came first and foremost because humans are sinners. If all humans needed to do was just be "actively good" there's be no need for salvation.
            >You're a disgrace to your church and if there is a God he's shaking his head at you.
            Huh so it's gone from "you're going to hell" to "If there is a God". Interesting, very interesting.

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            I'm not wishing, I'm citing.

            [...]
            Also I was never married, so technically I was just fornicating
            Still wrong, but I'm not an adulterer, Not that I'm going to let an internet atheist who's probably mad at their mom for trying to get them to go to Church, try to use my own faith against me.

            not an atheist, have a good relationship with my mother, we didn't go to church when I was a child, you're almost definitely projecting

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            >I'm not wishing, I'm citing
            So you can cite the parts of the Bible that say sinners go to hell, but you can't cite the parts right after that say sinners can repent and gain salvation? Interesting, very interesting.

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            >yeah, like you guys cheating on your wives, idiots
            I never said what I've done isn't evil and wrong but
            >adultery is a sin, enjoy hell
            I've repented, because the one true God Jesus Christ has brought salvation to the world of sinners
            Wishing damnation on other people is a mortal sin as well you know, arguably worse than adultery because you're presuming you know God's intent

            Also I was never married, so technically I was just fornicating
            Still wrong, but I'm not an adulterer, Not that I'm going to let an internet atheist who's probably mad at their mom for trying to get them to go to Church, try to use my own faith against me.

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            Just keep minimizing, you will never change

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            You have a toxic and vicious heart, I feel so sorry for you. I hope you find peace one day

    • 1 month ago
      Anonymous

      I had a similar experience with 13 years of gf and then wife, it hurt to think about those things for a long time, but I can tell you that as my life since then has grown and I've done new things with a woman I managed to keep, the old memories became less painful until they were just like any other experience. It sucks that they aren't particularly fond memories anymore, but at least it doesn't hurt to think about them.

  6. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    Why exactly is she working for someone who can require her to move long distances but not pay for her to bring her husband, or enough for you to change jobs? Is one of you not paying rent? Do you own two homes? I don't understand how this sort of arrangement is attractive to anyone unless she has been deployed. Is this when you cheated last time? While she was away? It's not natural to blueball yourself for months at a time. It doesn't excuse the betrayal, but why subject your already challenging situation to this kind of a test?

    • 1 month ago
      Anonymous

      It’s… complicated. And I can’t disclose much. To put it very simply, it is a good paying job, it’s a job that we just couldn’t refuse, but it’s a contract with potential for direct hire. So for a bit longer, we won’t know whether or not she’s actually meant to stay out there. this last relapse happened during the first instance of her being gone for really any time beyond a night or two at all. It’s really not attractive whatsoever at this point, but if nothing else she’s got some thing very very impressive on her résumé, even if they don’t go to direct tire, and if they want to move her to direct hire or say, just extend the contract, then the plan is to relocate the rest of our family out there.

      >you dopamine-enslaved homosexual
      I'm not the one pretending I cant control my actions for the dopamine hit though am I midwit? If it could enforce responsibility within its members then why didn't he call someone instead of fricking someone? You control your actions and choices, moron

      Wasn’t in the program yet. Had nobody for any support.

      >I understand that I’m not supposed to expressed any emotion like hurt or pain or irritability
      Says who? This seems unhealthy.
      Do you have an STD yet? My friend is in this same situation and got herpies from cheating with a hooker while he is married. He obviously had to let his wife know and now they’re momentarily separated. If you don’t have an STD yet, you can look at that as the bright side of the situation, and a reason to not do it again.

      I did have to get tested obviously, but I was negative. In my days of wildly indulging though I did contract chlamydia, but it didn’t stop me.

      >But doesn’t she have the right to be angry? Doesn’t she have the right to be hurt?
      Yes; I'd go so far as to say she has an obligation to be angry, considering the commitments you made to each other.
      But she made an additional, voluntary commitment after what you did, which was to give you a chance. Regardless of whether I think that was proper or not, it's counterproductive to her own stated goals to attack you while you're doing your best to follow through on her request. I'm not saying to be upset with her for her understandable feelings. Just that it's valid for you to feel the digs at you are unhelpful.

      >I’ve offered for her many times that if she really wants to leave she can and I won’t hold anything against her, I’ll let her have the kids without any argument, I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to scrape money together to make sure that she has everything she needs.
      That's very honorable of you. I'm a dude, so I don't know how she perceives it, but the fact that you're trying this hard and have such seemingly noble intentions is probably what gives her conflicting emotions. She may see evidence of high character in this, and so have a strong reason to give you a chance, but it also makes what you did that much more depressing. If you're this dedicated in repairing damage, one could easily wish you showed the same strength of character by not doing wrong in the first place. Whereas a guy who shows no real remorse, who just says "yeah, I cheated, so what?" stings, but there's no guesswork involved--it's easy to tell where one stands with him and what the marriage means.

      The best way I can explain it is an alcoholic who knows he’s ruining his life and killing himself but just can’t seem to stop. Except it’s so much easier to get sex as opposed to alcohol. Alcohol, I can literally dump down the drain and I can’t undo that. I have to have money to buy alcohol. Sex, but especially something like cyber sex, or porn, I can get for free any time of day or night. Even harder, nobody’s gonna sit around and tell you that being an alcoholic is actually good for you, and there’s so many perks to it, but for some thing like sex addiction it’s applauded in a lot of today’s popular culture. Even a bunch of morons on here saying that it’s actually totally acceptable. Plenty of my friends in the past engaged in it, engaged in a lot of the same behaviors that I did, and like me at the time they had absolutely no shame.

  7. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    >hey anon let's only frick each other from now on ok?
    good idea i'm all for it
    >remember nobody else just me pinky swear
    pinky swear now let's frick
    >maybe later i gotta go bbl
    ok tomorrow maybe
    >lol sry no we'll do it whenever i get back
    oh uh
    >remember your promise my love

  8. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    >I understand that I’m not supposed to expressed any emotion like hurt or pain or irritability
    Says who? This seems unhealthy.
    Do you have an STD yet? My friend is in this same situation and got herpies from cheating with a hooker while he is married. He obviously had to let his wife know and now they’re momentarily separated. If you don’t have an STD yet, you can look at that as the bright side of the situation, and a reason to not do it again.

  9. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    My husband cheated on me a decade ago and I forgave him. Unfortunately it never leaves the back of my mind and I have slowly begun to hate him. I have never been able to trust him again and I don’t love him anymore. Sorry OP. Just end it and be single. Let your wife find someone worthwhile if you truly love her.

    • 1 month ago
      Anonymous

      Oh haha adding to this, my husband’s mom got a brain tumor right after he did it. Then he got diagnosed with MS. Karma is a b***h. He is going to die disabled and alone. Kek

      • 1 month ago
        Anonymous

        And you are going to die knowing you burned away your best years seething, living with someone you hate, and wrapping all your memories with your kids in a big vicious lie. When all you had to do was double revenge frick and you would feel all better.

        • 1 month ago
          Anonymous

          stooping to their level will only erode your own morals

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            Oh no, how will I ever live with the knowledge that I'm as big an butthole as my wife is. I'm sure I would be much happier hating her guts and not having sex for twenty years.

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            or just divorce, but that probably never occurred to you because you're a subhuman degenerate

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            Yes it was a huge mistake to stay in my long happy marriage with frequent sex and a happy child when I could have spent the past ten years in family court, jerking off, and watching my son be raised by another man. I especially hate staying out all night and not being interrogated about who I was with. That'll teach me to follow some silly old golden rule. No more degeneracy for me, tomorrow I take that first step toward a moral life by dissolving my family and driving a wedge between my son and his mother.

        • 1 month ago
          Anonymous

          If you're going to act like a sadist for getting your narcissistic sense of entitlement to your husband's sexuality invalidated then why should I sympathize with you? Your husband had a wonderful sexual experience and you act like a c**t about it and take pleasure in the misfortune of him and his mother while pretending to be a poor hurt little victim to milk other people of their sympathy. He should have kept going at it just out of spite for an evil harpy like you.

          Have you ever considered that getting cheated on was your karma? And don't whine that that can't possibly be the case because you felt a chemical reaction in your brain that you weren't emotionally mature enough to handle because it would be arrogant of you to question the universe's supernatural mechanism of justice. And you will get no sympathy from me, either.

          You are replying to clear and obvious bait.

          • 1 month ago
            Anonymous

            Doesn't matter as there are plenty of people who are really like that.

      • 1 month ago
        Anonymous

        If you're going to act like a sadist for getting your narcissistic sense of entitlement to your husband's sexuality invalidated then why should I sympathize with you? Your husband had a wonderful sexual experience and you act like a c**t about it and take pleasure in the misfortune of him and his mother while pretending to be a poor hurt little victim to milk other people of their sympathy. He should have kept going at it just out of spite for an evil harpy like you.

        Have you ever considered that getting cheated on was your karma? And don't whine that that can't possibly be the case because you felt a chemical reaction in your brain that you weren't emotionally mature enough to handle because it would be arrogant of you to question the universe's supernatural mechanism of justice. And you will get no sympathy from me, either.

  10. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    didnt read all that but you seem like a b***hmade homosexual

  11. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    >If she’s still in a lot of pain, she’ll make remarks about me having sex with another woman, and when I become somber about it, she gets mad and says “well it was a joke, go on, laugh about it.”

    Have you ever considered that your wife might not really be interested in supporting you or helping to fix the marriage? That sort of talk means she's already checked out of the marriage. It comes off as abusive, too.

  12. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    Goddamn the hoops you cheaters jump through to justify your bad selfish behavior. Same goes for the one cheated on when trying to justify staying with a piece of shit.

    • 1 month ago
      Anonymous

      >Goddamn the hoops you cheaters jump through to justify your bad selfish behavior
      Any truly remorseful cheater is not trying to justify anything, we're trying to identify the problem and move on
      A reformed alcoholic who identified his abusive mother as the reason he started drinking, is not trying to justify his drinking if he is actually staying sober.
      Honestly you just come across as bitter, resentful and sad, I'm sorry if you were cheated on in the past but it happens. You're only hurting your own life by not letting go.
      Also taking the Lord's name in vain is a mortal sin just FYI

  13. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    Genuinely have a nice day. You had your chance and you blew it, you don’t deserve to get married again.

  14. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    Why do you people fricking struggle so much to make relationship work, when they are just not destined to?

    What the frick is a coomer doing with a woman that does NOT want to have sex?

    And honestly, why are YOU even in a relationship in the first place? It's like you're trying to fight yourself

  15. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    >n-no u!

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