My BF has AVPD.

My BF has AVPD. A few weeks ago we've had a big fight that left our relationship in this weird uncertain spot and I've been living in ambiguity since then because he doesn't want to talk with me about it. He's avoiding me IRL and has blocked me on all social media so at this point I gave up trying to reach him, but I still check up and think of him every day and hope he comes back soon. This isn't the first time this happened and I get that it's tough for him, but isn't this kind of messed up? At this point I don't know if we'll end up getting together ever again but I do want us to be cool even if it's just as friends, except I think I should be setting some kind of boundaries at this point but I don't know where to draw the lines. How much is okay for me to expect of him, what part of his disorder I should just come to terms with etc. It sucks being ignored like this, he's not the only person with mental health issues in this relationship. I know for a fact that he cares and is trying in his own way but I feel like it's really unfair to me and I should start looking out for myself. Is there even any point in contemplating all this or is this doomed? Gib thoughts.

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  1. 2 months ago
    Anonymous

    >He's avoiding me IRL and has blocked me on all social media

    There is a very clear message being sent you.

    • 2 months ago
      Anonymous

      Normally I'd agree but this is like the third time he's doing that and he always contacts me later to reconcile and explain his side of the story. I know he's not lying either, it really does take him months to work through things like that.

      • 2 months ago
        Anonymous

        Either way, since he has done all this many times, it's clear u and him aren't really working. Trust me even if this gets fixed in a few months he won't be able to hold back anymore and actually breakup. So I would recommend u cut it all off if u can with him (when u can get a hold of him)

      • 2 months ago
        Anonymous

        You’re wasting your youth on a guy who is completely unreliable

  2. 2 months ago
    Anonymous

    he's moronic break up find someone else

  3. 2 months ago
    Anonymous

    >person with avpd in a relationship
    Don't believe it

    • 2 months ago
      Anonymous

      it's bait

    • 2 months ago
      Anonymous

      AVPD guys are cute. I love it when they retreat as soon as I give them some love. It turns me on.

      • 2 months ago
        Anonymous

        T_____________T

  4. 2 months ago
    Anonymous

    We're both moronic honestly, that's why we understand and love each other as much as we do 🙁 We have a real moron kinship going on, it suckss.

  5. 2 months ago
    Anonymous

    My old psychiatrist diagnosed me with Schizotypal, but my therapist had an argument with him over it at a wellness meeting and said that she believed I was Avoidant or Schizoid at most. Before being discharged from in-patient, she told me plainly to ignore the diagnosis because she thought it was wrong, and I agree because a lot of Schizotypal symptoms are not me. With this said, you will probably never have a normal relationship with him if he's avoidant. I've always had fantasies about having a normal, loving, close relationship with a woman, but my tendency to avoid is so extreme that in practice I know I could never do it. It may or may not be this extreme for him, but you will have to put in a great deal of effort for your entire relationship to affirm him and make him feel like you really want him, and that is a LOT of work.

    I know how I would be in the situation. What I would want is for my GF to tell me she loves me, forgives me, and wants me to come backー but at the same time it would make me uncomfortable because I'd fear I wouldn't live up to her expectations. This would then feed further avoidance in the future if I thought I was failing to be good enough, making the problem worse in the future. All of this compounds too: whenever I mess up and hurt the people around me, I never forget it. The self-loathing continues to grow and grow like a debt and never goes away, and the more people forgive me, the more I owe. It eventually gets to be so extreme that I cut people off forever because I know there's no way for me to change and I don't want to continue hurting them. This may or may not be how he feels, but you get the picture. Your life will be miserable if you stay with him, always wondering when he's gone for good, but also knowing that he really may never stop loving you. For this, you'll feel like shit.

    I feel bad for him, but my advice is that you have to let him go. People like me (and possibly him) are extremely poisonous.

    • 2 months ago
      Anonymous

      That's a lot of insight. Thank you, I think I'm finally starting to understand... That being said I'm also incapable of normal relationships which leads me to wonder if there's really no way to make it work between us some kinda way. Maybe if the stakes were lower? Our relationship more casual? Do you think this could help somehow?

      • 2 months ago
        Anonymous

        I'll respond much later, I have to work for about 8 hours

        • 2 months ago
          Anonymous

          Bless! Assuming the thread stays up until then o_o

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            I'll respond much later, I have to work for about 8 hours

            That's a lot of insight. Thank you, I think I'm finally starting to understand... That being said I'm also incapable of normal relationships which leads me to wonder if there's really no way to make it work between us some kinda way. Maybe if the stakes were lower? Our relationship more casual? Do you think this could help somehow?

            Take my advice with a grain of salt. I've never actually made it past the phone-number or hand-holding stage of a relationship because my avoidant tendencies are completely unchecked and extreme. What applies to me may not apply to him.

            >Maybe if the stakes were lower? Our relationship more casual? Do you think this could help somehow?
            Yes. This is the most common recommendation for people who are in relationships with people with AVPD. That is unfortunately going to be extremely grim for you, because it sounds like you have a real desire for intimacy, but people with AVPD cannot provide that. My recommendation is that you shouldn't assume what he's feeling. He may actually be angry and have an interest in ending the relationship, the thing about avoidant people is that it's hard to tell. Depending on how severe the argument was, it's possible.
            If you want to confirm it and have a chance to continue, you should probably give him space for a while and find a casual opportunity to approach him. When you do, you should keep things light and say you miss him, you really want to work things out, and you want to know if it's over (in that order). From this point, you should be extremely honest about your feelings. If he says that it's over for good but you're not happy with that, you should (if you are okay with it) swallow your pride (on the off chance that he's trying to test if you really want him) and tell him that that hurts you, you still really want to work things out, but you understand his wishes.
            If he accepts and wants to work things out, try to be as honest as you can about your feelings. It won't help you if you hide things all of the time. If things get back to normal(ish) then yeah, you'll have to keep the relationship distant. You can't rely on people with AVPD to provide you with emotional support or intimacy.

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            Bless! Assuming the thread stays up until then o_o

            That's a lot of insight. Thank you, I think I'm finally starting to understand... That being said I'm also incapable of normal relationships which leads me to wonder if there's really no way to make it work between us some kinda way. Maybe if the stakes were lower? Our relationship more casual? Do you think this could help somehow?

            >Take my advice with a grain of salt. I've never actually made it past the phone-number or hand-holding stage of a relationship because my avoidant tendencies are completely unchecked and extreme.
            To make this more clear, I ghost women to the same degree he did to you, but for much less. (and also friends and acquaintances)

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            This actually gives me hope, it might all be doable after all. Thank you!

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            Well assuming he wants to reach out again anyway. The one thing I'm worried about is his massive defeatism. I guess I'll be fine whatever happens. I just wish I knew how to approach him sooner. SIgh.

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            >I just wish I knew how to approach him sooner. SIgh.
            If the argument wasn't huge I don't think you stand to lose much by approaching IRL. You could get brutally traumatized and embarrassed if he really does want to end things and tells it to your face, but you can probably steel yourself against it. I know I always hope for confirmation from people I'm avoiding that they don't really hate me.

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            The last few times I tried to see him he wouldn't talk with me so I think the plan at this point is to just wait for his move. I don't want to make him any more uncomfortable than I already have and if he needs more time to consider how to proceed then that's fine. It sucks that I'm stuck like this for now but I don't want to force our relationship either. I can only really hope he has a modicum of trust in me and wants to work things out with me.

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            Don't feel bad if it doesn't work out, because it's extremely hard and miserable work to deal with avoidant tendencies. You sound like a great person and could absolutely find someone good for you if it doesn't work out. good luck anon! 😛

  6. 2 months ago
    Anonymous

    >He's avoiding me IRL and has blocked me on all social media so at this point I gave up trying to reach him
    It’s over, then. That’s an indirect breakup.

  7. 2 months ago
    Anonymous

    It is very messed up. Either learn to be at peace with this way of solving conflict or move on from this relationship.

  8. 2 months ago
    Anonymous

    >Gib thoughts
    I guess don't date mentally deranged guys.

    • 2 months ago
      Anonymous

      Booooo, opinion rejected, baaad take.

  9. 2 months ago
    Anonymous

    I just don't see how a guy with AVPD could ever be in a relationship. Are they professionally diagnosed?
    t. 32 year old virgin with AVPD

    • 2 months ago
      Anonymous

      Yes, he's had a lot of experience with mental health services so it's a proper diagnosis. He's made a lot of progress with managing his PD so that's probably why he's not like a picture perfect image of it. I was honestly pretty shocked to hear about it myself, he'd sometimes mention here and there that he's afraid of intimacy but I would've never thought it was this strong of a feeling for him until he ghosted me for the first time. He's a seriously strong person. And our relationship is very atypical all things considered.

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