Need relationship/life advice.

27 year old east asian female in a loving first relationship that has lasted 1 year, no intimacy. Recently, relationship appears to have stagnated, boyfriend started drinking again. If anyone can provide me with some advice, I'd be very grateful. Willing to provide any information necessary.

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  1. 4 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    >1 year
    >no intimacy
    wtf?

    • 4 weeks ago
      ;)

      Yeah that shit is not normal holy frick.

    • 4 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      We've known each other for many years, it just never really happened even after we started dating, we still live together and spend almost all our free time together. That might be part of the issue actually. He just never seemed interested in me that way, and even if we were to have sex I wouldn't know where to start. I'm not particularly attractive IMO, I'm about 5'7, very pale, and relatively toned/slim but still curvy. Not even sure he'd even want to bang me lol. He's probably put off by the sight of me coming home each day in my dirty scrubs and coat.

      • 4 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        This is even weirder. I thought it was some religious bs for not being intimate. You live together for over a year and aren't intimate? You have some serious issues in your relationship. There is no passion at all. Dunno how you even ended up together in the first place

        • 4 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          By no intimacy I just mean we haven't had sex, we cuddle at night most days and we do kiss and fall asleep in each other's arms, but yeah, no sex. He has never told me he wanted that from me, although he might just be trying to respect my boundaries? I'm completely fine with it if he wants to bang me, I'm just not sure how to go about it. He has never tried to touch me that way either

  2. 4 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Break up. This relationship sucks and won't get better. You're too young to feel stuck.

    • 4 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      I feel like it might be too early for that. We haven't argued or anything, we've never had any real trouble other than minor disagreements over things like me coming home late some nights or over what to eat. Just feel like we might need to change things up a little. I love this man and I'm not leaving him, he has never hurt me or anyone close to me.

      • 4 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        >I feel like it might be too early for that.
        Nope. You haven't gotten laid in a year and now, on top of that, he's drinking more. You gave him more than a fair shot.

        • 4 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          I'm not in a relationship for the sex, I just want someone who loves me the way I love them. I am getting that much from the relationship, I just want to make things better. I might have a clue on why he's drinking, but it's a just a hunch. I think it's to do with a lack of social connections outside of our families and workplace

      • 4 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        don't listen to these morons all they think about is sex pussy breasts coom rape.
        do you both live together?why don't you try talking to him about it at the right time when he hasn't drank and he is relaxed?

        • 4 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          Yeah, we live together, we've been living together for ~6 months now! Thanks for saying that, I really did think for a second the whole problem was us not having sex. I think it might actually be time for that in the near future, I've dated him long enough to feel like our relationship is secure and he won't just leave after fricking me a few times, I want to lose my virginity to my soulmate not some random guy. I did talk to him about it, he just said some things are making him unhappy and that it's not my fault. However, I'm still extremely worried for him.

          • 4 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            that's fine but don't have sex with him just because you feel like you have to like so many do here,do it if your both ready and want it.
            >I did talk to him about it, he just said some things are making him unhappy and that it's not my fault
            so he never stated what exactly was making him unhappy?how long has he been like this?you should want him to tell you since this is now affecting your relationship.

          • 4 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            All he told me is that he's not doing the best socially, he feels like other people don't respect him either so I'd say it's low self esteem. I'm not sure how to handle it, I've been trying to talk him through things and accompany him to social spaces. I just want to see him happy again. He's a genuinely good person, far better than me honestly, and I hate to see him down. If having sex would make him happy, I'm open to the idea too, although granted the fact that I'm a virgin and haven't had a single prior experience, I wouldn't even know how to bring it up. He's an upstanding guy and I know he wouldn't cheat on me over me being a limp ragdoll in bed, I'm also his first lover so I doubt he has any experience either. I might be overthinking things, but I really just want to make him feel better. I really want to work things through, I'm not leaving him over a minor setback.

          • 4 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            im glad you choose to work trough this,most people these days give up so easily on relationships it feels like love isn't even real,also be glad he trusts you enough to say THAT to you as a man i can assure you most of us wouldn't,you both seem to be great people.
            outside of your relationship what do you think are the reasons of his low self esteem as you say?
            and what kind of social spaces do you go to?do you do this because you want him to meet new people?if so i don't think it will work too well,meeting new people by going places unfamiliar to you with your GF

          • 4 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            We just go to the bar sometimes. He feels too shy to talk to people oftentimes, so I figured I might be of help since a big portion of my job is talking to people. How do I help him get better at socializing? I feel like a terrible girlfriend whenever he is sad.

          • 4 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            I believe the root of his low self esteem is some level of neurodivergency (we both have it), plus a lifetime of loneliness up until he met me. He has had terrible experiences with other people and was bullied badly as a child. I guess he also feels like he can't measure up to me oftentimes

          • 4 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            i think your boyfriend and i are pretty similar in that regard (well also like 95% of men in this site so i ain't that special lmao) but from expierence i think you trying to help them and being there for him must help him a lot so don't feel bad,what is strange is that you say this has been going on only for the past month,maybe somenthing specific happened that hit him hard or maybe the novelty of the relationship wore off and that is affecting him,not saying he dosen't love you though.
            >How do I help him get better at socializing?
            sorry but in that i cannot help you much,but considering what you said earlier i don't think that's gonna help much,he seems to feel weak and humilliated for other circumstances in his life and talking with strangers in places he isn't familiarized with won't help him much,if you could share some more details about him maybe i could give you a better opinion on what i think he should do but at that point there's not much YOU can do,besides if you really want him to meet new people your gonna have to let him go to places on his own and i don't know if you would be fine with that.

          • 4 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            All I can think of is someone tried to follow me home, I told him about it. He might be upset about not being able to protect me, he was in a bad mood last time it happened, since it has happened many times unfortunately. Thanks for your advice anon, it really means a lot to me. I will bring it up to him when he's home later on. I will try encourage him to come out of his shell on his own.

  3. 4 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    >boyfriend started drinking again
    Is he a drunk? If so just gtfo

    • 4 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      Not a drunk, just started casually drinking but he's drinking more than usual and I feel like he's not telling me something.

  4. 4 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    It has only been an issue for the past month or so, it was minor at first and I thought it would go away on its own but it didn't.

  5. 4 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    You need to suck his nuts dry. All problems will disappear like magic if you do this once a week.

    • 4 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      I really don't think he wants that from me, and I might upset him if I assume that's all he wanted.. I don't think I know how to do that either, my few skills are only applicable in a hospital or a lab.

      • 4 weeks ago
        ;)

        Just try and take off his pant and put it in your mouth. See his reaction. This is the weirdest post on this site all month. Even the worst schizo posts can't beat this one. Sorry to say it.

  6. 4 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Having grown up with divorced parents & an alcoholic father, I can tell you that this drinking won't stop on its own - the reason why he drinks is the problem. That lack of approval from other people will keep him self-medicating, but there is a few things the both of you can do to try to remedy that.

    If the lack of respect if from people at his work, then he needs to leave if at all possible. You can retire comfortably with prudent spending & diligent saving: 40+ years of being hassled and living with very low self-esteem is not worth more money, since you can't ever get that time back & as you know it can create lasting psychological damage. If it's from friends, he can always make new ones & from family you can always limit or stop contacting them.

    I also struggle with talking to people, even ones I've known for at least a decade whenever we're out. Always have. He might just need to socialize under different settings, I find it much easier to chat to random people at events that line up with hobbies, rather than nights than going out to bars, engagement parties or other "normal extrovert" social events where I feel out of place.

    That being said, you are not a bad gf for not being able to get him out of a funk or out of his shell. It is not your responsibility to fix him - you can help him (which I think you are), but the choice of where to go & how to get what he's lacking must be his.

    https://www.emotionalcompetency.com/shame.html

    I suggest you read up on shame & try to prompt him to think about his own shame. See if you can't get him to start helping himself to reframe his thoughts (your support will be nice to have but again, not your job to fix him).

    • 4 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      His drinking's not a problem yet, last time I told him to stop he did stop. His coworkers just aren't his people, they haven't done anything to actively hurt him other than be nosey as far as I'm aware. I've been there for him even before we started dating. I got him out of his first problem with alcoholism, I got him out of many toxic friendships and bad behaviours. Maybe I am being overprotective and a bit too anxious? I spoke to him about drinking already, I think this month he has been a bit tipsy and acted a bit too emotional twice due to it, I'd prefer that number to be zero but it's not really a huge problem yet. I have studied psychology as part of my education, and I am trying to put my knowledge to good use. He's a workaholic like me, work might be a source of stress right now actually. I think I am just worrying too much, we've had far worse problems before we started dating that we resolved peacefully. I might just be worried because we're now dating and living together. He seems to be able to strike up conversations with people like shopkeepers just fine, he just can't seem to form close friendships easily.

      • 4 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        Last time he got very drunk was a few months ago, he got very upset with me because I seemed distant that week (I was exhausted, bad week). He said he felt scared I didn't want to be with him anymore. So I think part of it is worrying about me leaving? I'm doing my best to mitigate that fear. I really do love him and he loves me, I am thinking maybe we should have our first time next weekend when we're both off from work. We're already close but I want us to be closer still. I think he is still very hurt from the last bad firendship which was broken off at the start of this year I believe. That person actively tried to break us up for no discernable reason.

        • 4 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          I think that sex will solve part of the problem. Hopefully it will help relieve stress and provide an opportunity to let you know how much he cares about you. If you haven't done it already, let him know that you're also concerned for his wellbeing & if anything is bothering him, you will be his bedrock.

          • 4 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            Thank you, anon. I am talking to him now. Very grateful for your support

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