New dad, struggling with wife

Baby is 8 weeks old and perfect, he’s been sleeping through the night since like 3-4 weeks old. He’s very happy, alert, cute, big and overall much easier than I expected/some.

What I did not expect is how hard this would be on my wife, just everything.

We’re fighting all the time over the stupidest shit. Overall we’re both over-attentive parents, but I’m a little more laissez faire about parenthood in an effort to keep myself sane. I actually tried to do everything her way, but her ways keep changing anyway, so it seemed futile and they arnt all her decisions to make, especially when she’s being brain washed by Reddit nonsense.

She wants to read everything online, and normally I’m similar and want to do things correctly and benefit from the collective experience the internet give us, but baby information online is just trivial overload of antidotal information and bullshit. It seems almost pointless in some ways to look things up, but I’ll digress.

I think adapting to the change is harder for her to handle, whereas I’ve taken to everything in stride. She’s unable to accomplish anything when she is watching him (my expectations are very low, like throw away your own trash, feed yourself when I’m gone, etc) which didn’t bug me at first. Now though I feel like I’m doing everything, all the cleaning all the cooking shopping dishes laundry etc etc. It’s really starting to ware me down and on top of that she’s been harder to deal with than the baby and even when we have a sitter she is refusing to do anything or leave the house.

I think it’s a post-partum issue but I don’t know how to help her, she doesn’t want to help her self, she doesn’t want my help either. If she isn’t upset because of something involving the baby she’s upset about me doing too much. The only person she might listen to besides me is her mom, but I’m afraid dragging her/our issues to her mom will further drive the wedge between us.

Any advice?

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  1. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    It's probably PPD and maybe some trauma from the birth. Her body is riddled with hormone fluctuations in addition to the change in schedule.

    Not much you can personally do other than what you're doing now and encouraging her to talk with her doctor. Being a parent is scary and it's going to be hard for her to 'just chill'.
    Does she have any female friends or relatives she can talk with? That will probably go farther. Even though you sound like a good partner, you're not going to be able to fully empathize with her experience which might cause unnecessary friction.

    Keep in mind, she's still healing physically.

    The anxiety and isolation, while somewhat normal, can end up being effects of PPD. I have a friend going through the same motions.

    The important thing is that she goes talk to a doctor.

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      She lies to all her doctors and she underplays issues with her friends. When she’s around others it’s nothing but sunshine but that’s obviously not the case for about 95% of her life right now. I really struggle to get her to open up and I can’t make her see a therapist, those are just terms she needs to come to her self I think

      Thank you for the reply and I know my response sucks but I’ve really been trying and just feel lost now.

      • 2 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        Not much you can do since it's an internal problem for her. I still recommend reaching out to her female friends and relatives.

        • 2 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          Yeah, that’s kind of what I was thinking too. I have done both but I think I’ll try again and stress the importance. I think talking with her mom is my best bet but I have my reservations about doing so..

  2. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Could be the baby blues. Remember she went through an insane hormonal roller coaster in the span of a few hours to the point where her brain likely doesn't remember how to function. It's important to get help as it can develop into a post-partum psychosis.
    Start with seeing the midwife about the issue, say you suspect shes likely suffering from post-partum depression but refuses to get help. The midwife should be able to help you coax her into getting help and help direct you for further treatment (which can include psychiatric care, hormone treatment etc.)
    Be patient with her, this situation isn't her being b***hy or lazy but a result of a severe body trauma which is giving birth.

  3. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Why the hell would you ask this on NSFFW

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      Geez, where else? Just hoping for some outside advice. Maybe someone who’s dealt with a similar situation.

      • 2 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        most people here are 20 year old neets lol

        • 2 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          Been there done that. This is an issue that needs to be discussed while you are both present for her women's wellness exams with her pcp or ob gyn

          I would encourage her to have more social interactions outside of the home as she probably feels like her body isn't her own anymore after childbirth...even 8 weeks later. Clinical help can only do so much. This will be more of a psychological adjustment that you both will need to navigate together

          Na homosexual...NSFFWs been around for so fricking long now that there's oldgays with families that continue to post on this shithole. I'm 47 and I've got a son in his 20s who I know lurks or posts but I never reveal my power levels.

  4. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    how old are the two of you and how long have you been together? how was your relationship before having a baby? c-sec or veganal?
    after our first, I pretty much carried the weight for a good two months because she did c-sec and could barely move on her own. second was veganal and recovery was much quicker. we took turns with feeding, getting sleep in ~4hr increments. you definitely wanna avoid information overload from places like reddit/blogs. literally just follow the advice the nurses gave at the hospital and the advice pediatrician gives you. that's all you really need.
    >she’s upset about me doing too much
    that's an odd one. why do you think this is the case?

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      30, been together 10 years, all has been good and it was a veganal birth.

      >Odd one, why do you think this is.
      Because she will get sad in a different way, and she feels guilty about how little she has been doing and the extra workload I’ve picked up. (For the record, those moments seem totally random and not brought on by arguments, in fact I’ve never even mentioned the extra house work or errands).

      Shes always been a bit reclusive but it’s different now

      • 2 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        It would seem she holds a lot of deep seeded feelings of shame and guilt. Is this all new behaviour? Particularly the facade in front of doctors and friends?

        • 2 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          That part isn’t new, but it wasn’t concerning before either. Not many people can tell because she carries herself well but she has a lot of anxiety and always has. She doesn’t want to be a difficult patient at the doctors office and she doesn’t want to be/seem needy to her friends.

  5. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    >She wants to read everything online, and normally I’m similar and want to do things correctly and benefit from the collective experience the internet give us, but baby information online is just trivial overload of antidotal information and bullshit
    How did the human race survive before the internet

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      Back in the day people lived in smaller settlements where everyone was closely engaged with each other and active part of each others lives. This means you had 20 female neighbors who already had their own kids long before you, and were willing to step in and help out or advise in any way that was necessary. It also meant the strain on the mother wasn't as severe because everyone would babysit for everyone. It's still the culture in some rural areas in less developed countries. I thought this is common knowledge.

  6. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    >she doesn’t want to help her self
    Girls with this "I refuse to control how I feel and dislodge my bad habits" attitude display it well before you get married. You ignored the red flags.

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      You clearly have no idea what pregnancy and birth does to a woman's body and mind. I assure you, if someone were to pump an insane amount of hormones in and out of your body in the span of few hours you wouldn't be acting rational or controlling your feelings either

  7. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    33m here with a two year old.

    It’s rough and there’s not much you can do but try and help as much as possible and wait.

    Men can also go through post partum and the sleep deprivation does a number on both your psychs too.

    IMO it’s great if she can talk to someone but don’t try to force her, it’ll take time regardless. IIRC it took my wife a year to feel herself again.

  8. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Oh yeah, another thing I realized after we had our kid was that it was the first thing where the stakes are high and there’s not some happy compromise.

    Eg I wanted to sleep train and my wife didn’t. I thought not sleep training would frick up my son and wife thought the opposite.

    There’s no way to come to a compromise, you either do it or don’t.

    So we also got into a bunch of arguments over things like that.

    It also doesn’t help that there’s anecdotes advocating for every practice and a bunch of contradictory research, so everyone can point to a study on why you’re turning you’re ruining your kid and turning them into a vegetable. It sucks.

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      For that sort of thing, I think a 2 week rule might be good. You try the thing for 2 weeks, track the results. If you've seen good change keep itif not change it to the other suggestion for 2 weeks and track

      4 weeks might be better, but I'd talk to a pediatrician.

  9. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Endure.

    I've been there. The first three months are like a fever dream. Forgive and find the strength to provide strength to her and the child. There is gold at the end of this fricked-up rainbow.

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      I have one son who is 4 years old. After like 4-5 months you'll fall into a routine and your wife might calm down. Like
      said, you just have to endure the first few months. There's not much more advice I guess. Communication for couples is critical. If you just can't get your wife to see your perspective on something no matter what, I've found that a change of location, like just going to a cafe with her, often helps. People will scream at each other at home but then suddenly be open to listening calmly just from leaving the house. I'm well aware that that's incredibly difficult to do when the child is that young, though, and that leaving the baby with a relative for a few hours probably won't fix anything because your wife will be worried about him/her the entire time. Basically communication with the wife is extremely hindered and there's not much you can do about it. Like the other person said, endure.

      Those were definitely the hardest for me with my wife as well.

      By age 2, everything was a lot easier because they are toilet trained and observant, but still helpless. But by about age 3, kids are finally verbally competent enough to negotiate everything and by age 4, they can coherently follow stories, books, movies, etc. Then it's fun as a father because the focus finally shifts from making sure your kid is hungry/physiologically ok (i.e. where the mother usually does a lot of work) to being mentally and socially ok. This is the age you can take your kid to the store alone, buy an outdoor toy, and just play with him for hours outside and he won't get bored or complain. It's so much better than when they're infants.

      Anyway hang in there. In my experience at least it all gets easier and easier as time goes on.

      • 2 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        https://i.imgur.com/Sl22ABt.jpg

        Baby is 8 weeks old and perfect, he’s been sleeping through the night since like 3-4 weeks old. He’s very happy, alert, cute, big and overall much easier than I expected/some.

        What I did not expect is how hard this would be on my wife, just everything.

        We’re fighting all the time over the stupidest shit. Overall we’re both over-attentive parents, but I’m a little more laissez faire about parenthood in an effort to keep myself sane. I actually tried to do everything her way, but her ways keep changing anyway, so it seemed futile and they arnt all her decisions to make, especially when she’s being brain washed by Reddit nonsense.

        She wants to read everything online, and normally I’m similar and want to do things correctly and benefit from the collective experience the internet give us, but baby information online is just trivial overload of antidotal information and bullshit. It seems almost pointless in some ways to look things up, but I’ll digress.

        I think adapting to the change is harder for her to handle, whereas I’ve taken to everything in stride. She’s unable to accomplish anything when she is watching him (my expectations are very low, like throw away your own trash, feed yourself when I’m gone, etc) which didn’t bug me at first. Now though I feel like I’m doing everything, all the cleaning all the cooking shopping dishes laundry etc etc. It’s really starting to ware me down and on top of that she’s been harder to deal with than the baby and even when we have a sitter she is refusing to do anything or leave the house.

        I think it’s a post-partum issue but I don’t know how to help her, she doesn’t want to help her self, she doesn’t want my help either. If she isn’t upset because of something involving the baby she’s upset about me doing too much. The only person she might listen to besides me is her mom, but I’m afraid dragging her/our issues to her mom will further drive the wedge between us.

        Any advice?

        One more note: There's a kind of post-partum amnesia, and it is real. My wife remembers me as some kind of cold monster the first few months after our son's birth but I remember working exceptionally hard to hold our son every night and preparing food, etc. It's a thankless role because your wife will probably literally not even remember anything you do for her at this time, but it really is worth it once your kid is a bit older.

  10. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Just leave her it's not worth the effort, a good wife would make an effort to do her best and keep you happy.

  11. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    >She wants to read everything online
    Anon, I know I'm probably not the first to tell you this, but you genuinely do need to do a lot of reading in order to understand how to properly a baby child.

    >I think adapting to the change is harder for her to handle, whereas I’ve taken to everything in stride.
    Oh, so this is a bait post

  12. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    humans were never meant to live in modern society.
    Women after delivery need the presence of several other women around her to help her, while men take care of food and shelter.
    That's the reason why PPD is very low in communities where many women are around the new mother.

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