No sex in 4 years

I thought I was over it. Wife is sick. Cancer. In remission but it's still hanging around. Needs chemo or it comes back. I get it as I have been her caregiver the entire time. She was always low drive though. After year 1 she was in actual remission, we tried to be intimate but that low drive came back with a vengeance and she said some things in bed that ...had she not just 'beat' cancer the first time, I would have divorced her. We ended up not having sex that day (I refused to take a pity blowjob) and I resigned myself to simply not doing it any more.
Fast forward 3 years and we were getting a little playful and she seemed responsive. I let it go and continued playing over the next few days. Trying not to get hurt again. Well, libido got the better of me and we were fooling around and when I went a little further, that same attitude came out of her and she got pissy so I stopped again.
Can't lie...It fricking hurt again and I have been distant. In the past i have tried to talk to her but that family doesn't talk about anything. The best way to handle stuff is to stop talking about it.
At this point I think that a prostitute or an affair is my only sexual outlet. I don't know what else to do.

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  1. 2 months ago
    Anonymous

    Yeah have an affair. You've been taking care of her every need for years and she's left you high and dry. Don't even bother hiding it, tell her you're going to start having sex with other women.

    • 2 months ago
      Anonymous

      This. I don't know why so many women get into relationship and do not want to have sex with their partners. Like wtf? Why did you get into it then? Are you just expecting me to support you? I don't want a friend. Frick. Let her know you're fricking someone else, and make sure the other woman is prettier.

      • 2 months ago
        Anonymous

        samegay Black person

    • 2 months ago
      Anonymous

      This. I don't know why so many women get into relationship and do not want to have sex with their partners. Like wtf? Why did you get into it then? Are you just expecting me to support you? I don't want a friend. Frick. Let her know you're fricking someone else, and make sure the other woman is prettier.

      >have an affair and don't bother hiding it
      everybody who is saying this can just be wholesale ignored as they are obviously out of touch with reality
      if you do this in a marriage you risk creating a spurned woman who make it her mission to divorce rape you, and it will be easy because you gave her a reason that she can use to divorce with cause.

  2. 2 months ago
    Anonymous

    Divorce her, talk to her about it, or even get some couple therapy or something. There's many solutions to this other than hiring a prostitute and cheating.

  3. 2 months ago
    Anonymous

    As someone who lost someone to cancer, I kmow the amount of work you have done in the last 4 years. The doctors visits, the waiting rooms, the chemo treatments. The sadness, the fear, the late nights reassuring her that everything is going to be fine. Cancer affects the people who love the person with cancer, just as much as it does the person who has it. You've proven your love through sacrifice and compassion for her. One would think she would have affection for you and want to show you how much she loves you for sticking by her. Somethings not right. You really need to get to the bottom of it. Don't be sulky or make ultimatums, but be clear that you feel unloved. Then tell her what you would need to feel loved. Hookers won't heal the pain you feel. Stay away from them so as not to do anymore damage to yourself.

    • 2 months ago
      Anonymous

      I was being a bit irritable when I wrote it this morning. I am not sulky or mopey, I am hurt and of all the shit we have gone through these past few years (there's a lot i am leaving out) to be basically rejected again. Here's the kicker, I am fit, I do well and I had a great game before this. Admittedly sex was always a problem with her. She wanted all of the intimacy without the sex. She wants the rubs, hugs, etc, just no sex. I am a rock and/or an oak for basically everyone around me. I have faltered previously but I am always able to stand back up to keep pulling the wagon.
      I know an affair isn't the answer. What is different this time is that all the old hurt welled up and I genuinely don't think I love her any longer. I'm still here because I'm not a monster like those politicians who left their dying wives to go somewhere else. It's no different than parents who stay together until the last child goes off to college before divorcing.

      • 2 months ago
        Anonymous

        You need to have a talk with her and tell her how you are feeling

      • 2 months ago
        Anonymous

        That's understandable. If you truly feel like you don't love her anymore and the long term marriage wasn't anything you were expecting, I would split off. You're only making it harder for yourself and her to live happy lives. If being with her makes you unhappy there's no point in being together.

        However again I'm sure you understand, in order to fully separate you need to at least talk to her about these issues and attempt to resolve them in some way. I don't know your life but if for the past couple of years you keep on trying and trying to fix these issues with no results, absolutely separate, but if you haven't talked about the issues yet, then try that first.

      • 2 months ago
        Anonymous

        you're anonymous you stupid c**t just spell it out
        what did she do to you?
        what did she say to you?

      • 2 months ago
        Anonymous

        lmao so this is the future that awaits gymbros

        get fricked dumbasses lol

      • 2 months ago
        Anonymous

        You need to talk to her and tell her this is maybe nicer language. If she reacts poorly you need to see a marriage counselor since she will need to hear it from somebody else.

      • 2 months ago
        Anonymous

        Anon if you don't love her, that's it, you're kind of done. Do you have anything else to prove? You've been with her for four years. I don't know, maybe try talking to her in a gentle, loving, but honest tone. If she's not even receptive to hearing out your perspective and struggles, I think it's perfectly just to break things off immediately.

  4. 2 months ago
    Anonymous

    What did she even say?

  5. 2 months ago
    Anonymous

    what did she say to you when you told her it's been 4 years?

  6. 2 months ago
    Anonymous

    divorce her dude.
    That's not going to get better with communication.
    She knows what you want, she just doesn't care.

  7. 2 months ago
    Anonymous

    No sex in 38 years.
    Not a problem.

    • 2 months ago
      MKG

      Unless you are 55 or were trying to get laid as a toddler, your math is off and you're either asinine or an idiot.

      • 2 months ago
        Anonymous

        Adolescence still counts toward the run time just like forced tutorials do for videogame speedruns.

        Don't be disingenuous.

        • 2 months ago
          MKG

          >Adolescence still counts toward the run time just like forced tutorials do for videogame speedruns.
          No they fricking don't.
          I have been horny since I was 7. I don't start the clock then because I was tapping to cartoons and movie stars, not trying to get laid. I was horny for 20 years without sex but I only was really trying for nine of those years.
          Years later in school when a girl tried to shame me publicly by loudly saying "You're a VIRGIN???!?" I responded equally loudly "Um, yeah? I am FOURTEEN!""
          I didn't even try to get a gf until l was 15. But the legal cutoff floats around 17. So, if a 53 year old said he's had no sex in 38 years, fair play.
          But no ten year old has a reasonable expectation of getting sex. Most aren't looking for it, I wasn't, and some aren't even physically capable of it.
          So frick you, you disingenuous wannabe toddler-fricker.

          On top of that, it is different once you've experienced and gotten used to having sex. You can't miss a place you've never been.

  8. 2 months ago
    Anonymous

    For an actual answer, sex in its own is meaningless

    Sex is only there to have kids.

    If you don't have kids, then that's a problem. I would recommend divorce and cut contact, cause it will be harsh

    If you have kids, then they are the answer. You can abstain for sex for now, because they are there to provide you meaning.

    Eventually they'll be sympathetic when your wife dies and will understand you remarrying

    • 2 months ago
      MKG

      >Sex is only there to have kids.
      Ask me how I know you are a joyless homunculus and probably a virgin.

      • 2 months ago
        Anonymous

        t. sodomite

  9. 2 months ago
    Anonymous

    You are using up a massive chunk of your energy and effort to support this woman, you deserve to get some effort in return. I understand how it feels to be the "stable supportive one" but that doesn't mean your needs have to go unfulfilled. Sex is really important in a marriage, and if you're not sexually compatible then youve got to discuss that, if she really doesn't want sex and you do then consider talking about you finding a mistress to fulfill what she cannot, you'll still be there for her and you'll still love her but you won't feel resentful that she is robbing you of your sex life.

  10. 2 months ago
    Anonymous

    Dont cheat or divorce her. Make her feel beautiful and special. Make sure your the only woman shes looking at. Keep trying. Dedicate the entire marriage to how special she is and dont just give up if she doesnt put out. Once a week advise her for couples counseling.

    • 2 months ago
      Anonymous

      >Make sure your the only woman shes looking at.
      This is your brain without misogyny

      • 2 months ago
        Anonymous

        yeah and a brain with misogny is no sex, anon is asking for sex he clearly wants this woman,
        Im not against misogny you do you, lots of men are better without women, but there are those who want women, to coexist is to sacrifice

        • 2 months ago
          Anonymous

          >Make sure your the only woman shes looking at
          >a brain with misogny is no sex
          Are you moronic, or from another country, or both? Honestly curious.

        • 2 months ago
          Anonymous

          The most I've ever gotten laid is when I'd beat my girl and say things like make me a sandwich. The least I've ever gotten laid is being kind and considerate and loving. This is what all men go through. Realizing this is part of growing up.

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            Yeah anon should beat his cancer ridden wife. Were not talking about hooking up were talking about having a sex life with a married partner

        • 2 months ago
          Anonymous

          >lots of men are better without women
          The hardest thing I ever told myself is that if she doesn't make it... look, it has been four years. We've had a lot of time to talk about worst case. It doesn't make it easier (hence why I had to break off to explain it) but you have to know what to do if your spouse doesn't make it so you start wondering about your own future. Anyway, the hardest thought I ever had after this is that I am so changed over this (cancer, care giving, this issue), I will never marry again.

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            Im super sorry. Im assuming this is OP, i hope you are surrounded with family and friends. Please dont break it off though, be there for ur wife. Youre turnjng your marriage into another statistic, you have to be there thru sickness and health just like how she should for you

  11. 2 months ago
    Anonymous

    Cancer was just the convenient excuse

  12. 2 months ago
    Anonymous

    I don't know everything about you or your wife or your relationship, but please communicate with her properly. Best of luck.

  13. 2 months ago
    Anonymous

    There's no advice to give. You're in a bad situation and it won't get better. How much do you stand to lose from leaving?

  14. 2 months ago
    MKG

    >In the past i have tried to talk to her but
    I can relate to a lot of your situation. And you have to keep trying to communicate. You might have to ask her what she hears when you say what you have and what she feels. Sometimes when and how you say it is more important than what you say. Like, communicating after a fight has raised an issue can be impossible if all her defenses are up and she sees everything as an attack.

    If she won't talk, take her to couples counseling. It can help break down the closing-off that happens when you see your partner as an adversary over an issue.

    If she won't go to couples counseling, make certain that she understands the consequences of her actions. Give her time to change her mind and readjust.

    The point behind my advice is to take every care to be certain that you did all you could before giving up on fidelity. There's always something that you'll see in hindsight.

    I have no regrets. Live deliberately and take care not to do anything you will regret.

  15. 2 months ago
    Anonymous

    A dead bedroom is a really difficult problem and none of the advice people have seems to be based on reality.

    I have been dealing with a semi dead bedroom with my first serious relationship. I'm lucky if I get it twice a month. And we have no reason not to be having sex. No kids, no illnesses, relatively healthy people, not obese or anything like that. It's maddening.

    >talk to her about it
    worst advice for this problem and obviously comes from people who have never been there. Talking about it only makes it worse. It makes the other person feel pressured and stressed, and just puts an air of negativity around sex. It's going to lead to a fight and maybe make up sex, but it won't fix the problem.

    >couples therapy
    So far I haven't tried this but it sounds expensive and time consuming

    >break up
    That's probably the only way out of the situation but it becomes difficult when your partner depends on you in a number of ways.

    I can't give advice, I can only empathize. My situation as bad as it makes me feel, is nothing compared to yours. If you don't have kids you should probably divorce her. You are still young enough to find someone else.

    • 2 months ago
      MKG

      >Talking about it only makes it worse. It makes the other person feel pressured and stressed, and just puts an air of negativity around sex.
      Holy shit fix your relationship. You have to be able to talk to each other, ESPECIALLY about problems. Sweet frick, what are you doing?

      I have been in my current relationship for over a third of my life. Not talking is ALWAYS worse than talking. You're both probably just shit at communicating, which is very common.

      >expensive and time consuming
      $50-100 for an hour every month or so.
      Less expensive than nicotine.

      • 2 months ago
        Anonymous

        yea well some people are not willing to communicate. Or communication goes nowhere with them. Then what do you do?

        • 2 months ago
          MKG

          >Or communication goes nowhere with them.
          Communicating isn't saying things at them. It is listening, working to understand them, and approaching the situation with their perspective in mind. And hopefully getting them to do the same for you.

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            You are exactly who I mean when I say the advice people give is useless. Because communication isn't working for me you assume I am doing it wrong. Without any reason for that assumption btw. You know nothing about the particulars of my situation. It's not like I'm going to my gf and telling her to frick me or get out. Maybe I should try that actually, it might work better than doing it the way you are suggesting, which has gotten me nowhere.

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            >Maybe I should try that actually, it might work better than doing it the way you are suggesting, which has gotten me nowhere.
            That works for everyone else

          • 2 months ago
            MKG

            >Because communication isn't working for me you assume I am doing it wrong.
            You both, yes. Because it is INCREDIBLY FRICKING COMMON, YOU EGOTISTICAL TWAT!

            Issues with poor communication is the primary issue in most troubled relationships. But no, I am sure you are a master communicator, as shown by your immediate deflection and reaction to a hint of criticism. I'm sure you're fricking stellar. good luck being perfect at everything, jackass.

            You cannot negotiate compliance.

            >You cannot negotiate compliance.

            Negociations can fail, then what.
            You need some kind of exit condition

            >Negociations can fail, then what.
            >You need some kind of exit condition
            I understand the concept of a partner not participating. I also understand the concept of someone quitting before they try.
            If the relationship is worth keeping, you keep trying.

            If you decide you are reaching the point where the relationship is not working it, communicate that.

            I am NOT a marriage counselor, btw

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            You cannot negotiate compliance.

          • 2 months ago
            Anonymous

            Negociations can fail, then what.
            You need some kind of exit condition

  16. 2 months ago
    Anonymous

    Bro Homer covers it up to make it say “Do it for her” talk to your wife and power through it or man up and be honest that you want a divorce because you need to frick but she has Cancer

  17. 2 months ago
    Anonymous

    Im right there with ya Anon.

    Lived in Japan for a few years and met what I thought was a nice Japanese girl. She was sweet and caring at the start, low maintenance and didnt give me any drama like my last western relationships.

    We used to have sex all the time at the start of the relationship, it slowed down and I was understanding, it happens as the relationship got serious. Then we got married and it slowed down more, then we decided to have a child and 3 months into the pregnancy we stopped having sex. Stupid me believing we’d at least get back to some type of normalcy later. Wrong, after the baby she was always tired or complaining even though I was equally tired. Our child is 2 years old now, I love this kid with all my heart but any time I tried to be intimate with my wife she just says she is tired, isnt feeling it, now she barely even wants me to touch her, flinches when Ive tried to hug her, i just dont bother anymore, trying to kiss her she just doesnt do it like she used to, its like a chore, I dont love her anymore, most of the time I just tune her out or I make excuses not to be home, where she stands is like a blank space for me, I know she doesnt feel anything for me anymore and the feeling is mutual. We love our child but not each other, my child hugged me it took so much for me not to break down.

    I created this hell for myself, no love, no sex, no affection, barely any touch. Paying for a hooker is cheaper than all of this Anon, also its less likely to follow you back.

    • 2 months ago
      Anonymous

      Tell her you demand another child, if she refuses then tell her parents. They will guilt her into having another child as children can't refuse their parents requests in Japan.

      • 2 months ago
        Anonymous

        I've tried anon, I've tried multiple times to talk to her to try new things. Nothing, its like after having our kid her entire sex drive just turned off and died. Wont even give me the time of day to talk about it, its like she turned into a hyper conservative prude minus the religious aspect.

        We barely just started getting a good night sleep. We both would really prefer not losing 2 years of sleep over a few hours of sex.

        Meant that second part about the sleep for you.

    • 2 months ago
      Anonymous

      Okay well this is just my opinion, but i´m an idiot so take it with grain of salt - have you tried to spice up your sex life? Fetishes, playing some romantic music in the background, maybe even traveling to another country. You could also ask if her kinks have changed over the time or if you´re even hitting the G-spot or not. The core issue seems to be lack of communication about how she would want to be with you passionately even after having the first child. Good luck with your marriage dude, you´re living the dream.

      • 2 months ago
        Anonymous

        I've tried anon, I've tried multiple times to talk to her to try new things. Nothing, its like after having our kid her entire sex drive just turned off and died. Wont even give me the time of day to talk about it, its like she turned into a hyper conservative prude minus the religious aspect.

        We barely just started getting a good night sleep. We both would really prefer not losing 2 years of sleep over a few hours of sex.

  18. 2 months ago
    Anonymous

    This is what refusing to abandon the weak gets you.

    They just take and take and take and never give anything back in return.

    • 2 months ago
      MKG

      >This is what refusing to abandon the weak gets you.
      Technically accurate but you also get the self worth of not abandoning them.

      >"Taking care of him doesn't fulfill you, make you happy. But not taking care of him would make you miserable."

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