Should I stop being a pussy ?

Should I stop being a pussy ? I just can't find the strength to be honest about my feelings with people especially when the topic is money. Like there is that friend who wants me to lend him some cash when he already owes me. If I were not a pussy I'd tell him straight that I'm not sure about his ability to give me back what he already owes me so I won't give him more, but I will just say "I can't, because I need money for [false reason]".
I'm always being dishonest because it will just make me lonelier than I already am. I guess a better question is "Did people ever benefit from being honest in relationships?"

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  1. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    Lie to people who don't need to be around you, be honest to those you want to keep in your life. Lies can only be maintained for so long before you can't keep up with it anymore.

    • 1 month ago
      Anonymous

      That's also what I'm thinking. But there are times you don't know which category the person you are facing belongs to. That same friend I was talking about was really nice before he got money issues. If I had to take a decision now I would say I don't want to keep him as a friend because he is now only talking to me for money, but it might just be a period and things could go nicer in the future

      This is a big question. You are afraid and you are asking how to change that.

      If you want to work on changing your personality so you can be more authentic, you might need to talk to a therapist. There is a self-help book that talks about this stuff to get you started here: https://archive.org/details/RobertGloverNoMoreMrNiceGuy/mode/2up

      When you say no, use an 'I' phrase, like "I don't feel comfortable lending you any more money, I am sorry.'
      (Rather than a 'you' statement like 'you never pay me back')

      One technique from therapy to reduce your fear of making a decision is to imagine the outcome if you go ahead and speak the truth here. Think of the best case scenario (the guy respects your decision and leaves you alone), then the worst case scenario (he flips out, starts rumors about you, tries to beat you up, you lose a friend), and then the most likely scenario (maybe he doesn't take no for an answer and keeps hassling you for a while). Imagine how you would deal with each and maybe it won't seem so scary if you think you can handle the consequences.

      To actually go ahead and do the scary thing, take two shots of alcohol and then go for it. If he keeps asking, stick to your guns. Respect yourself, because he isn't respecting you.

      >When you say no, use an 'I' phrase
      I think I've been doing this all the time already just as a defense mechanism
      >Think of the best case scenario
      the main problem is that I can't imagine a realistic best case that doesn't make me uncomfortable. Like there is no way I tell that guy that he is unable to manage his money and he doesn't start an argument. Maybe I need to think further than that but then it becomes assumptions

      • 1 month ago
        Anonymous

        Can you try imagining saying no without the 'you can't manage your money' statement, and visualize being able to handle the response? Visualizing is like practicing something in your imagination. It is used by really great athletes and is taught by sports psychologists. Imagine you reply to his arguments without getting scared or upset. Calmly, not arguing every point he comes up with. If he wants to argue, you don't even have to fight back. 'I'm really sorry, bro. The answer is no.' He can call you names and act angry, and it will only make him look like a bully. You will be able to handle it. It's not so bad. Try practicing in your mind a few times to see if you can get the fear response under control a little bit. It's going to take practice to do something new to you.

        • 1 month ago
          Anonymous

          I can't visualize that because it would be weird. Like you just say no and add no reason behind it, sounds comical. Impossible for me to see what could be his response

      • 1 month ago
        Anonymous

        Simply tell him to pay you what he owes you or get lost. Once you start standing up for yourself, it becomes easy. Also helps if you have friends you can tell about it, ruin his reputation for being a broke leeching scumbag. What are you afraid is going to happen?

        Dude, if the homosexual starts an argument with you over it, then tell him to frick off and never talk to you again. Legitimately, what is the big deal? Why do you want a shitbag homosexual hanging around you anyway? This guy is not your friend, he is a leech and an emotional abuser. Friends do things for you and you do things for them, in a mutual exchange. A leech is not a friend.

  2. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    This is a big question. You are afraid and you are asking how to change that.

    If you want to work on changing your personality so you can be more authentic, you might need to talk to a therapist. There is a self-help book that talks about this stuff to get you started here: https://archive.org/details/RobertGloverNoMoreMrNiceGuy/mode/2up

    When you say no, use an 'I' phrase, like "I don't feel comfortable lending you any more money, I am sorry.'
    (Rather than a 'you' statement like 'you never pay me back')

    One technique from therapy to reduce your fear of making a decision is to imagine the outcome if you go ahead and speak the truth here. Think of the best case scenario (the guy respects your decision and leaves you alone), then the worst case scenario (he flips out, starts rumors about you, tries to beat you up, you lose a friend), and then the most likely scenario (maybe he doesn't take no for an answer and keeps hassling you for a while). Imagine how you would deal with each and maybe it won't seem so scary if you think you can handle the consequences.

    To actually go ahead and do the scary thing, take two shots of alcohol and then go for it. If he keeps asking, stick to your guns. Respect yourself, because he isn't respecting you.

    • 1 month ago
      Anonymous

      >This is a big question
      No it's not you pseud.

      It's simple : do the thing you're afraid of - in this case telling the truth. Over and over and over again. That's it, you're welcome. You don't need to frick thousands of dollars on a shrink that will basically tell you the same.

      • 1 month ago
        Anonymous

        >you pseud

        The gentleman is asking how to change his entire personality. You are right about what he needs to do, but don't trivialize how hard it is.

        • 1 month ago
          Anonymous

          >you pseud
          All right, fair enough. I got a bit too foamy at the mouth, but I just felt he was overcomplicating a simple thing. And an easy thing - hear me out.
          > You are right about what he needs to do, but don't trivialize how hard it is.
          >how hard it is.
          That's the thing where people frick up. It shouldn't be hard. If it's hard you won't do it. The key is to start with mildly difficult to easy.
          Your steps should be doable without pain or hurt.
          As an example - if you want to get fit and you're a landwhale, your first step isn't even going to the gym - it's a 5 minute walk. Is that too hard? Then 1 situp. Is that too hard? Then just stand for 5 minutes. Whatever the most achievable step is - that's where you start, but it should never be "hard" - because if is, you'll 100%.
          It should be at most mildly uncomfortable. Then when that becomes comfortable, you add again until it's mildly uncomfortable. Repeat over and over and from a 5 min walk you'll be at the gym 3 times a week within 6 months.

          Same with fears. You're afrad of socializing. Your first step is what? Visualize it, if it's making you panic, reduce until you don't panic at the thought but are just mildly uncomfortable. Then start there - repeat - when that becomes easy, you add.

  3. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    I didn't even finish reading, brother that's the first mistake you don't lend money to someone who already ows you. Pay the loan first then you can ask for money

  4. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    Lying is the most important skill in life.

    • 1 month ago
      Anonymous

      Pussy. You are debasing yourself with lies. Tell that frick that he hasn’t paid you from last time and ask him if he doesn’t think that’s a problem. Or are you a pussy for not lending? Is it going to hurt you? Who told you to lie? Why would you do that to yourself?

      I’ve not lied since the age of seven and I’m doing pretty fricking alright. It is better to convince one what to think, without ever telling them it is so.

      • 1 month ago
        Anonymous

        Simply tell him to pay you what he owes you or get lost. Once you start standing up for yourself, it becomes easy. Also helps if you have friends you can tell about it, ruin his reputation for being a broke leeching scumbag. What are you afraid is going to happen?

        Dude, if the homosexual starts an argument with you over it, then tell him to frick off and never talk to you again. Legitimately, what is the big deal? Why do you want a shitbag homosexual hanging around you anyway? This guy is not your friend, he is a leech and an emotional abuser. Friends do things for you and you do things for them, in a mutual exchange. A leech is not a friend.

        >What are you afraid is going to happen?
        He will feel like I'm against him. I hope that we can still be friends when he is completely out of his shit so I don't want to be mean to him

        • 1 month ago
          Anonymous

          >He will feel like I'm against him.
          Dude, he is against you already. He is being a leech. Why do you feel like you're the bad guy when he objectively is? You must have low self-esteem to not understand this.

          >I hope that we can still be friends when he is completely out of his shit so I don't want to be mean to him
          People like him don't "get out of the shit". It just gets worse and worse for them as they gradually wear out everyone else's patience and end up alone, because they're selfish and irresponsible. There's nothing wrong with borrowing money from a friend and then doing everything in your power to pay them back, that's what a moral and responsible person who's simply down on his luck does. But a person who borrows and then comes back to you for more, and gets argumentative when you remind him you've already been generous, is an immoral scumbag piece of shit and does not care about you at all, he sees you as a sheep to shear. Get a grip on reality and some self-esteem, anon. Or this world is going to exploit you at every turn.

        • 1 month ago
          Anonymous

          I’ve told plenty of people “no” and none of them quit being my friend because of it.

  5. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    People that are super strong have less empathy. Go gym max. Edward Dutton how to judge ppl by what they look like

  6. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    how about give money for free isntead if you are that conflicted, but say i dont know i can help you another time, because i mean yea.

  7. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    >Should I stop being a pussy ?
    Yes. I didn't even bother reading the rest of your post. The answer is always yes.

  8. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    >"Did people ever benefit from being honest in relationships?"
    Yes. Always. For the simple reason that you will at least stay true to yourself, and that matters because YOU live with yourself since birth to death, everyone else is a secondary character in your story.
    It does come at the cost of relationships, but you should pay that price for the only relationship you're guaranteed to have, with yourself.
    Now, if you're an butthole, you should be open to people you trust to tell you that, but how could they know you are if you lie?
    Lying and dishonesty creates a barrier between you and anyone you want to have a connection with, because they're not connecting with YOU but with the image you build - that's why relationships like that will always feel hollow and unsatisfying.
    It's better to be rejected for the truth than accepted for a lie.
    This is ancient advice and I live by it, despite having been an avid liar for a long time to get what I want.

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