>get a crush during a relationship. >just try to ignore it

>get a crush during a relationship
>just try to ignore it
>relationship is good, guess the only issue is that my bf has become fat during the past few years
>although im still attracted to him and he hasn't really changed in my eyes
>also, my bf and this crush are very similar, i think that's why i got the crush in the first place
>last week, crush and bf are talking and i'm also there
>last time either of us saw this guy was almost 2 years ago
>we chat together for a bit
>i just act normal because i do want to stop having this crush
>then bf and me start talking about my sister
>crush gets surprised and curious when he hears i have a twin
>we start joking about her and what she's like (she's very weird/special you could say)
>crush starts heavily implying that he wants to take her out and date her
>we're all joking about it but i start to sense that he's somewhat serious about it
>crush asks us to bring her along next time
should I just nip this in the bud and avoid bringing her along next time? I think I am handling this crush and my relationship decently well, but I couldn't manage having my sister date him, if it actually came to that.

the reason why I don't consider this crush to be a relationship-ender is because I do want to be with my boyfriend, not the crush. I generally avoid being around this crush, and when I have been in situations where the crush is present, I intentionally act a bit standoffish. I try to avoid being too friendly with him basically, because I just feel awkward and don't want anyone to realize.

also for context, this is my first relationship, and I am 100% committed to it and have been for years. the crush is an old friend of my bf, they see each other maybe once every 1-2 years and I'm sometimes also there in those situations. so it's pretty much just a superficial attraction that I'm hoping to get past.

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  1. 4 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    >so it's pretty much just a superficial attraction that I'm hoping to get past.
    And you think him becoming off limits because he's dating your sister wouldn't help with that? It sure would for me.

    • 4 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      I may have been lying to myself a bit about that, I guess it's more than a pure superficial attraction. it's not like I'm in love with him, but I always found him very funny/cool/etc. and I admired him a bit since I met him in the sense that I wanted to be like him. He's just very chill, while I'm more of an anxious person, and I wanted to be more like him basically.

      and he's already "off-limits" obviously, he's a close friend of my bf.

      Don’t set him up with your sister. You will fall harder. Avoid him. If bf asks, tell him you know your twin wouldn’t like him or that he wouldn’t be good for her. You can be insistent without providing much information when it comes to a sibling, esp a twin.

      yep I think this is my plan. like just tell my bf (who seems excited about this idea for some reason) that they simply wouldn't get along

      • 4 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        look up mimetic desire by rené girard

        • 4 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          thank you, I already read up a bit on this concept and it's very interesting, I think it applies in my case. especially this thing that I read:

          >Models are like people who seem farther up ahead on the path we’re on; they can see around a corner that we can’t see around. We assume that they have some insight into which direction to go that we do not. In short, we assume they have something that we do not—that they possess some quality of being that we do not. And so we follow them.

          the text I was reading also mentioned metaphysical desire, wanting someone else's desire. I think that's 100% a part of my crush as well. like I get very excited whenever I have seen even a small hint that maybe he likes me on some level. not because I want to end my relationship and date him, I don't think it's that straightforward. but because I see the attraction of my crush as something "valuable", something that would show me that I'm as admirable as he is basically. I think that's why this situation I described in my post affected me a lot, because being interested in my twin sister does imply some level of attraction since he's never seen her, and I definitely never would've expected something like that from my crush, so far I always let myself assume that there was obviously zero interest/attraction and it was just a dumb crush I can let myself have.

          but yeah sorry for the long rant, I just completely ignored these thoughts during the past week and I guess now I just let them out finally. but I will continue looking up on this mimetic desire, that's definitely the case here.

          • 4 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            glad youre aware of it already and hope you sort out your feelings

  2. 4 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Don’t set him up with your sister. You will fall harder. Avoid him. If bf asks, tell him you know your twin wouldn’t like him or that he wouldn’t be good for her. You can be insistent without providing much information when it comes to a sibling, esp a twin.

  3. 4 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    BF getting fat is a signal of complacency. You say you've been committed for years and it seems like you're working adults. Where's the marriage?
    Your problem is that you need your BF to work on himself again, be less fat, have ambition, progress your relationship, but if he does it just because you nag him you'll feel nothing. Catch-22. Maybe you can convince a friend to take him to the gym.

    • 4 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      we aren't working adults, we're still students in uni. to be fair both of us were supposed to graduate last year, but ever since covid ended we've both just felt extremely demotivated and it's been hard to get anything done. and for context this is in europe, not the US.
      this also has made him gain weight, and I would consider him depressed as well. I don't feel like there's much for me to do anymore apart for hoping that he'll get it together, he's been to therapy many many times and thinks it does nothing for him. I guess the only thing I can do is suggest him to start going to gym again more actively. I do work out at home with some bare minimum equipment which is good enough for me, and I think he would prefer going to gym without me anyway. well, I hope this situation starts to get better soon.

    • 4 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      >Work on yourself
      >Work on yourself
      >Work on yourself
      Women always say this bullshit but never put forth any effort in relationships, offer no loyalty, and expect to be treated like queens. Frick that shit. I'll improve myself when you get off of your lazy b***h ass, make me a sandwich, and grab me a beer.

      • 4 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        You sound like a real catch

        • 4 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          Yeah, I am. b***hes love a man who don't put up with their shit. I tell them to get the frick out and immediately they want me to frick their brains out. It's never been easier. Women need to put up or shut up.

  4. 4 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    It's very easy to admire people when you only meet them a few hours a year, he wouldn't seem so cool if you spend more time with him and get used to him

    • 4 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      yeah I recognize that. I guess it's sometimes hard get something through your head when you understand it and agree with the information at hand, but despite everything, that information doesn't manage change your feelings. e.g once my bf was telling me about this friend, my crush, and how he sometimes gets road rage, that he tends to curse a lot while in traffic. normally I hate those kinds of people, but my mind managed to make it sound interesting rather than annoying since he always seems extremely calm to me. but if I actually personally knew him, I bet I wouldn't find it interesting.

      glad youre aware of it already and hope you sort out your feelings

      I hope so too, thanks anon.

  5. 4 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    I did a word search for "boyfriend"
    >1/1
    then I did a word search for "crush"
    >1/19

    Lol.. I see where this is going. My advice is don't waste so much time pondering it. You've already posting the seedling of your justification for breaking with your bf for a stranger. "he's gotten fat". Just be real with yourself and him, break it off clean and move on

    • 4 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      OP said “bf” 10 times

      • 4 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        Ah my bad

        Only 72% more mentions of OP's crush not 1900%

        • 4 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          I did a word search for "boyfriend"
          >1/1
          then I did a word search for "crush"
          >1/19

          Lol.. I see where this is going. My advice is don't waste so much time pondering it. You've already posting the seedling of your justification for breaking with your bf for a stranger. "he's gotten fat". Just be real with yourself and him, break it off clean and move on

          Op here and I don't think you really understood the issue. It's not me wanting to leave my bf for this crush. even if we broke up right now I just wouldn't consider going for this friend. It's a close friend of my bf, and this friend is very respectful of our relationship. that's why it's such a weird and awkward situation. and I just want the crush to go away basically.

          but I 100% assume you will just ignore what I just said, perhaps because you're gotten personally offended at my post. go ahead and be offended, I don't mind.

          • 4 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            I'm not offended. I've just spun around the sun a few more times than you and these situations typically play out in a predictable pattern. What a woman consciously and subconsciously wants aren't always the same and it usually plays out in a predictable pattern

            >we start joking about her and what she's like (she's very weird/special you could say)
            >crush starts heavily implying that he wants to take her out and date her
            >we're all joking about it but i start to sense that he's somewhat serious about it
            >crush asks us to bring her along next time
            >should I just nip this in the bud and avoid bringing her along next time?

            Why would you wanna nip it in the bud? If you're truly 100% committed to your relationship just let them meet and don't concern yourself with it

          • 4 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            >Why would you wanna nip it in the bud? If you're truly 100% committed to your relationship just let them meet and don't concern yourself with it
            Because I've purposely been avoiding getting too friendly or close with this friend. like I'm fine with seeing him when me and bf meet up with him about once a year, but if I were to start seeing him more often if he actually started dating my sister, the crush would occupy my thoughts too much, and I don't want that.

            and I'm just a very neurotic and awkward person. I tend to hide my attraction and avoid showing any kind of attraction (unless I'm together with someone in a relationship), I did that with my bf too initially even though I was intensely into him the moment we met. so I doubt anyone even knows about this uncomfortable crush I have, I hope I can just get over it eventually. but you know that it's probably harder to get over a crush if you start seeing them more often, right? see crush less often = more likely to get over it, that's my logic here.

          • 4 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            >but if I were to start seeing him more often if he actually started dating my sister, the crush would occupy my thoughts too much, and I don't want that

            So let me get this straight- Your "crush" has openly expressed interest in your sister. And you're going out of your way to avoid introducing him because of the possibility of them being happy together.

            >if they started dating, the crush would occupy my thoughts too much

            So you're so selfish that you'd be be willing to get in the way of your crush, your own SISTER, AND fricking over your boyfriend by being a prostitute. I hope you can see how terrible of a person you are. Say your thoughts out load and ask yourself if you sound like a crazy, selfish narcissist. I genuinely hope you boyfriend breaks it off with you. He doesn't deserve to be with such a b***h.

          • 4 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            >I don't really feel jealous
            Immediately goes on to discredit any possibility of them being a good match, without them even meeting each other yet.

            you are parasitic.

            The anon who got personally offended by a post on a basket weaving internet board is back I see. Damn you're seething hard.

          • 4 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            You're a prostitute. My honest advice would be to act on your urges and make your move. The friend will likely be disgusted by your attempt because he has morals, and you will be left with no bf and no silly middle school crush. You're pathetic and should unironically have a nice day.

  6. 4 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    I found out my ex had a crush on another guy because I saw a text pop up, and I broke it off after 5 years.
    Tread carefully.

    • 4 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      yeah I'm not texting anyone lol. I'm not exactly a social person or someone who has friends or texts any other men.

  7. 4 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    If you have a "crush", you're already cheating. This is how your behavioral pattern will go:
    >You become more attracted, subconsciously, to another guy
    >You start comparing him to your bf
    >You don't tell your boyfriend that you have a 'crush' on him
    >Subconsciously you get jealous that he's considering dating your sister instead of you (You are here)
    >You don't bring your sister along, so you have to make up some story as to why
    >This might happen 2 or three times where you lie about it to make sure you don't bring your sister
    >You start talking to your crush privately and you don't tell your BF, you tell yourself "I can handle this, i'm committed to my bf".
    >not long after you start hanging out with your crush one on one, making excuses to your bf
    >Before you know it, you and your 'crush' are having sex on the couch
    The only thing you need to 'nip in the bud' is your dishonesty.

    • 4 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      I guess some of that is true, but when I imagine him dating my sister, I don't really feel jealous, just weird. he's a metalhead guy who doesn't like anime, and she's a fujo who spends her free time watching anime and listening to vocaloid, it would just be such a weird combo.
      the actual reason why I don't want him to meet her is because I don't want the chance of seeing him more often, because that's what would happen if they'd date.

      I also wouldn't start talking to him privately. he doesn't use any kind of social media, and he's a very private person who doesn't just hand out his contact as far as I know. it just doesn't make any sense, not happening.

      • 4 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        >I don't really feel jealous
        Immediately goes on to discredit any possibility of them being a good match, without them even meeting each other yet.

        you are parasitic.

    • 4 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      Good, you aware, I like you

  8. 4 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    cant you just trade places every now and then with your sister or you think they will notice?

  9. 4 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Why would you even consider setting them up? Do you have self-harming tendencies?

  10. 4 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    You will have my time

    You, women, have no idea how your attraction works. You make decisions based on emotions in the moment, while trying to justify things by rational thoughts which usually are conflicting with your emotions

    >get a crush during a relationship
    You are not in love with your man anymore. If she would be doing his job, you still would be 9 or 10 out of 10 in love and other men wouldn't exist to you. Pay attention class, a taken woman calls some other guy a CRUSH, women dont lie, men dont listen. Her mind is on the new guy

    >relationship is good
    Only good, not great. Women dont lie, men dont listen

    >i do want to stop having this crush
    Yet feelings always override thoughts

    > I think I am handling this crush and my relationship decently wel
    Pay attention class, she is not removing the crush, she is not leaving the bf. Bf is doing abysmal job, she is losing her feelings so its confusing to her. She has some feelings left not to ask for space/leave yet, but the new guy is already in her headspace

    >why I don't consider this crush to be a relationship-ender is because I do want to be with my boyfriend, not the crush
    Yeah, now, in the moment. Yet, you dont tell your bf that you have a CRUSH, you dont remove that crush from your life, you benefit from this situation. You are waiting to see if either your feelings to bf raise, or they evaporate and you date the crush

    >I generally avoid being around this crush
    For now. But you think about him. Hes in your head. You made a thread about him. You call your bf fat, but not the crush. You call him the crush. Thats emotional cheating, the first step

    >I am 100% committed to it and have been for years
    Pay attention class. Then she will say that the spark with bf is gone, and its just happened

    >pretty much just a superficial attraction
    A woman cant love two men at the same time. When in love, other men are invisible. They dont exist romantically. You like your bf, but you dont love him

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