I guess I could just use some reassurance or advice or suggestions on how to go through with it, but I've been dating a girl for about 3 months, I know that's short, and I just don't see it working out
She's nice and all but we have some major differences, and recently had a really bad experience that just changed things. I'm also about to go on a 3 month business trip and I don't think it's worth trying to work on it over an LDR, I'm just not that invested and I want out.
I am just a massive pussy, so afraid of hurting other people, I don't even know what to say..every day feels like "the wrong time" or that theres not an "entry" to the conversation. How can I get over this, just do what I have to do, be confident and learn to care about myself more than others?
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Jeez how did you even manage to get her if you can't break up with her?
It's simple, you see no future with her, you dont wanna keep stringing her along, you know she'll find someone she deserves yadayada. Can still be friends if you wanna. Do you have mutual friends that are gonna feel it too?
You should do it over the phone during or right before your business trip, because girls go crazy when THEY'RE the ones getting broken up over. She'll cry probably but you've made your decision, you'd never want to share a family or spend forever with her so just go.
Idk getting a girl is easy it's just happy positive emotions. But dumping one, it's like I'm taking away hope and joy from someone. Feels rotten,.and I know leading her on is worse so I'll do it, I've just had bad experiences. The last girl I dumped tried to kill herlsed immediately afterwards. We don't have mutual friends or anything so once it's done it's done and out of my life.
I just feel this pit in my stomach. Every explanation to her of why I want to end it feels too harsh or too real..I am desperately trying to think of a way to do it she can walk away from at the very least unscathed. I don't want to be responsible for another person's negative emotions because that guilt hits.me.so hard. I feel like I'm obligated to her happiness and we'll being
>The last girl I dumped tried to kill herlsed immediately afterwards.
What did you do about that? I had one of those too, I just told her its not worth it and ignored her afterwards because she was inconsolable. But she didn't kill herself and then the next time we met a year or so later she hyped up her new bf to me like trying to make me jealous and i was like good for you i dont care.
I broke up with my first real gf that lasted 4 years, close to valentines day, it had to be done she had become a real b***h. She cried and we talked for an hour but i was firm to say there was no way back and i never talk to her now, but last i knew she'd found another guy.
You don't have to explain it, because then she will try to reason with that and say she can fix it. There is no way to not hurt her but this is good to go with your business trip, she would probably cheat on you during it anyway.
That chick who tried to kill herself I talked with for a few weeks after the breakup and tried to hook her up with mental healthcare and stuff until it just became too much and we stopped talking all together
So what about this. What if I just tell her that I need to tell her about the work trip thing, I'm gonna be gone for a few months and I don't think a LDR is good or the timing is good for me to have a serious relationship. If she protests and says she can wait or something I'll pull out our incident the other night and just say I've realized we really aren't all that compatible and I think I'd rather just stop things now with everything going on than waste her time.
Good?
Yeah that's a good plan do that.
What is the incident btw? How old are you? I was like you when I was a kid, wanted to save everyone, now I'm just kinda dead inside and dont care what anyone thinks, free to be do whatever i want, but at the same time can't feel or trust them.
I'm 26, turning 27 soon..I know I'm a people pleaser and I'm constantly trying to work at it, it's just hard. I feel obligated to others emotional well being and I take it very hard when I feel like I've failed someone or hurt them. I know it's stupid, I know in my head I'm being weak and unfair to myself, but man just the fricking EMOTIONAL dread I get hit with with this kind of situation is debilitating. I genuinely wish I just didn't have feelings, or that I even reveled in being an ass and hurting people. Life would be easier if I didn't care what other people think, and I for some.reason can't shake it.
The incident was we were.fooling around and she wanted me to do something and I told her I wasn't really into that and not comfortable with doing it and she just went dead silent and went home. I was so fricking relieved because I thought she was going to end things and I had a way out but nope a few days later and everything is back to normal, despite that glaring incident
Which by the way, the sex thing wasn't a.big deal to me, but it clearly was to her, and her reaction and just shutting down and refusal to communicate and reason is what was a big deal to me.
lol why do you need to break up with her? just go on a business trip and blank her, plenty more fish in the sea
She knows where I live and I don't want her just showing up, also that just feels even worse, I've been ghosted before shit is brutal and it sticks with you for a long time
just ghost her when she shows up
>she knocks on the door
>open it
>"huh... that's weird.."
>peer around doorway
>close door in her face
why do you care what some random person thinks of you?
I assume you are afraid of hurting people because you see yourself as so low status that you don't deserve to stand up for what you want, and that others are entitled to walk all over you because you aren't worth anything
well you won't be if you don't act like it
you don't like this b***h
simple as
be simple
I don't know why I care what she thinks of me. I guess it's because if someone who got to know me well decides I'm a piece of shit then that's a reflection of who I really am. If I was good then I wouldn't hurt people like this. I think I'm worth something but I also feel like wrong when I give something to others and then just take it away. She's happy with me, to take that from her feels like I'm stabbing her in the back. I don't want to be a black stain in someone's memory. Should I care? Probably not but thats just how I instinctively feel, and I don't know how to kill that part of me and prioritize myself
if that's who you really are then accept it
you can't save everyone, and if you hurt nobodies feelings, well it translates that nothing matters to you and anyone can do what they want with you because you're just a people pleasing pleb
>hurt people like this
frick me lad unfrick your head, life is a struggle, people get hurt, get trampled on, whole generations of shit, get in the game, you're a competitor in this, do you want to win it? you have dreams in your head, you have fantasies about the type of person you want to be. does that person just um and ah and dither about like an indecisive ghost, or does that person do what needs to be done, cuts to the chase and is REAL with people
stop being disingenuous, to yourself, and to this woman
she's happy with you
great
you're not happy with her
that's it
just say it like that
>hey, we need to talk
>I'm unsatisfied with the relationship
>I know you have feelings for me, but they're not reciprocated
>I'm sorry for hurting you, I do care about you, but it wouldn't be morally conscionable for us to be together
>friends?
it's alright mate, it's a struggle, but you need a reality a check, otherwise you'll be 5 years in and still thinking the exact same going crazy with the lies, then you'll hate yourself, and then you'll make her hate you
do you want her to hate you, like think you're a piece of worthless lying two faced shit, or do you want her to "hate" you, as in she still has feelings for you, but is angry about it for a while and then moves on, then later on smiles if she sees you years down the line?
Frick this is a solid response,.thanks. I want to be the kind of person who does what's needed and prioritizes themself, I just struggle with the idea that other people don't like me, especially someone I've been close with. I swear it's literally just with women I have this problem, but I really need to get over it or I'm never going to be happy
no worries you'll pay it forward one day
>but I really need to get over it or I'm never going to be happy
now you know what you always knew, don't forget it
take your time and don't ever let anyone rush you
at the same time, once you know things, act on them how you think is right
>it's literally just with women
yeah a lot of men struggle with it, it's a lack of peers and mentors.
set the standards for yourself
women pick not the other way around
peace bro
So for example, tomorrow night she has a work party. I want to do it now, but I don't want to ruin that party for her, I don't want her to be so sad she doesn't go or make her distraught at the party when she could be having fun..but it's always SOMETHING that's like "now isn't a good time" and I know it's all in my head but I just feel it so strongly. I wish I just had like a sociopath switch I could turn on and off
Actually breaking up for her work party is a good idea, then she'll be open to get drunk and find a rebound there.
You are going to hurt her its just part of life, the more you wait the more you'll hurt.
Or just stay with her and marry her and be secretly miserable
try a survival expedition somewhere and try to unpuss your pussiness
That honestly sounds fun
Thanks captain. Still open to additional advice so don't let the thread die yet!
Anyone have good advice for just being comfortable in yourself and not care about what other people think or feel? Stopping being a people pleaser, a pushover, and be more independent, even self centered?