I need advice on how to get over this fact and not let it bother me so much
we're both 27 and have been together for almost 3 years
I was a virgin before this and she had 3 short term previous relationships and 1 hookup from a friend. None of these people are in our lives anymore
I think it matters what type of men she's been with and they were all pretty normal: educated, social, bright futures, etc so it's not like she's been with buttholes which would have been a major red flag to me
Plus I just don't see 4 previous partners as a big deal
if my friend was in my position, i'd probably tell him that I don't think it;s a huge deal and something you can get over, especially if everything else is great (which it is)
not to mention that honestly, if I was a lot more outgoing and actually made an effort to talk to women (BEFORE meeting my GF) and things escalated to sex, i'd probably go for it, so I feel like i'm also being a hypocrite
anyone currently or was in a similar position have any insight?
i really don't want this to break us up because I KNOW that if we do and I'm alone for the rest of my life, i'll look back and think that I wish I wasn't so insecure
 CRIME Shirt $21.68 |
 |
CRIME Shirt $21.68 |
And why does it matter?
It does a little, but it shouldn't
tbh if she had 10+ or the guys were buttholes or deadbeats I think I'd have broken it a long time ago
I strongly believe I can handle it, because I genuinely from the bottom of my heart want to get over this. We're both settled down and have solid jobs and literally the next step is marriage and kids. We've met each others parents, discussed finances and boundaries and all kinds of important details. I forgot to mention this, but before we were exclusive, we were friends for like 2 years and maybe acquaintances for a few years before that so we have so much history. She's clearly a wonderful woman and has proven her commitment.
But sometimes the thoughts that she was "enjoying" herself with other men really gets to me and makes me quite angry and distant. I do think these feelings have deintensified over the years though, which is why I'm hopeful and just want to find that last push to completely jump the hurdle and be free.
Pretty tough situation anon.
On one hand, I am sympathetic with how you feel. And it does look that you were her backup plan (albeit unintentionally)
On the other hand, people who already have been into relationships might call you insecure or petty. So that's a bad outlook.
Best thing I can say is talking to a therapist on how you can ease acceptance of this feeling or help you ignore it.
Good luck anon.
To add to what I wrote.
I believe you deserve peace of mind.
If this thing is going to be in the back of your mind for the rest of your life, might as well break up & look for other fishes in the pound.
They say ignorance is a bliss.
man i fricking feel you. gave my virginity to someone i thought was amazing, he has experience, i don't. Should've stayed celibate. It wont matter. If she's committed that's when it matters luv. take things slow and let her prove herself and so far it seems she has.
i had a similar situation in my relationship. been together for 5 years now. i did have an extremely insecure phase during the relationship, 1-2 years into being together. i even left (for a day so not really), because the disparity between the amount of experience we have made me so insecure. but once i reverted that decision to leave and made a decision to stay and not let my insecurity ruin things again, things have been good since.
i think i pretty much got over that insecure phase, i don't really care anymore because i've obsessed over it enough in the past already. so if you're willing to get over your insecurity, it's very much possible. it might just take time. but ultimately, this is 100% your decision to make. can you handle it or not?
it doesn't matter bro
if you really need to vent, maybe try some kind of quasi-hypnotic technique like repeatedly chanting that it doesn't bother you, or writing all the reasons why it doesn't matter, or venting it in some other way by boxing or something
have a nice day.
At least you have a girlfriend
If she's not a virgin, why haven't you had sex when you've been together for 3 years? If you're waiting to be married first, why aren't you married yet? 3 years is enough bro, if you want to be with this woman, put the ring on her. You will be happy you both waited and will start a great family life together. The experience disparity is completely irrelevant.
only about 36% divorce rate,
Sure still a lot worse than the 8% if you both were virgins, but also better than the national average thats like 45% or anything in the double digit bodycounts which is literally has worse odds than betting your life on a coin-flip.
Good anon, hope you'll end up in the "stay happily married till death do them part" end of the spectrum
The fact they haven't had sex before marriage in this relationship definitely boosts the outcome also. It's proof of commitment. I think OP should go for this.
why havent you had sex with her yet
>been together 3 years
>still a virgin
wtf
Simply do not think about it. Pretend her exes dont exist. You need to emgage your brain with something more productive or fun and probably stop watching redpill/blakpill/whateverpill content because i can mention those triggering thing.
Really I found that consuming any sociological or psychological content tends to affect my relationships and peace of mind pretty badly. Focus on reality in the moment, and dont overthink the rest. When you remember that she isnt a virgin you immediately just look for something else to think about.
Have sex with her to remove virginity
Seconding (if that's a word) this.
Go pop off your cherry with the woman who you're gonna be responsible for the remaining of your life.
>Plus I just don't see 4 previous partners as a big deal
That is absolutely disgusting and she would have been ridiculed as a prostitute just 10 years ago back when things were fricking normal.
A 27 yr old woman with a body count of 4 wouldn't have been called a prostitute 10 years ago either. That's pretty low count for a woman her age.
Over time you'll care less and less about it until eventually it will be something that took place so long ago that it's not even a thought that crosses your mind.
As long as your gf is respectful to you, doesn't bring up her past and isn't connected to her past, i.e she talks/interacts with ppl she's had sex with, you will get through this.
Although as a man you should always have more experience than your woman, not only sexually but in other important aspects too. The main source for men's insecurity is lack of experience and the only solution to that is to go out and get experience.
Not saying you should cheat but it's more important that you build up your sex experience so you won't be bothered if ur gf has a bodycount. Man to man, having only 1 sex partner before settling down is not the best idea. You will most likely run into other issues stemming from your lack of sexual experience with other women in the future.