It's pathetic

I started being aware of my problem is when i was dating my ex boyfriend. i expected him to trust me and open up to me which he did. He was raised by a single mom, and i always thought he was the damaged one. But eventually I realized I'm more damaged than him.

It's probably because of my parents. For a really long time, I barely talked to them because I knew they hate me and considered me as a disappointment which they admitted afterwards. I felt smothered at home. After I went to college, i started to change myself to be the way they like. Things were getting better when my dad's trouble was gone.

But my trouble remained. I couldn't trust anyone in my life. I'm terrified if i open up to anyone, I will be hated because even my parents don't like me. I never had a relationship longer than 3 months. I couldn't even sleep with anyone.

I know if i'm this shut down, no one would really love me, neither do I. But what i fear more is if I'm being me, no one would even like me. This idea has been driving me crazy for ages and now I've been single for almost five years. Some men said he loves me. All i think about is "bullshit, you just love your fantasy."

Love maybe overrated or doesn't even exist. I don't know.